I feel Jipped

Yea it has been a while…

I do know that nobody is going to read this. In fact, I do not care that nobody is going to read this. If I did want that, I could promote my blog, say something profound, or just force people to read it. But I do not care.

I was reading the stuff that I post, and I noticed that my last blog was about me fixing my motorcycle. I worked hard, and for many hours to get that thing running good. And then what happened. On September 23rd 2009 at approximately 3:15 I died. I didn’t die, but I should have. Miracle, random act of statistical variation, blind luck… I do not know.

To keep this part short, I was going 70 MPH north on I5 on my bike. Out of the corner of my eye a motor home crossed over two lanes of traffic and push come to shove, he won and I ended up knocked off my bike. I flew, tumbled, bounced and rolled through heavy traffic and crossed three lanes as just me. Coming to a stop, I forced myself on legs I couldn’t feel at all, and crawled to the side of the freeway and sat with my back to the concrete divide.

At this point and I will leave out most of the story because it is boring. This was when I got jipped. This is when my profound religious experience did not happen. I lost conciseness for I would guess a couple minutes. Maybe 5 at the most, hard to tell when you are out cold. My life never flashed before my eyes, in fact my loving wife tells me I never even thought for a second I would die, and that is why the profound experience never happened. Whatever the reason, that is one of the top ten times I almost died. Well, at least this year…. But for the argument, I flew. I bounced, and I hurt. But in the end, I laughed and made jokes.

Everyone says to me. “God was watching out for you”. I really didn’t see him. I didn’t feel him; all I felt was rational reaction to the accident. I remember a line from a move, just not the move. Two kids drive along and toss their grandmother out of the car so they can keep going… it was a comedy… Anyhow, they scream to her tuck and roll grandma, tuck and roll.” And that is what I did. Protected my arms, and did the best I could to survive the trip. I was worried that a fallowing car would run me over, hence the hurry to crawl to the side of the road.

As I was sitting on the side of the read I had vision…lol I dreamt that I was a ware wolf and I was tearing through the pallets on the truck that parked there at the scene of the accident. I was a monster, ripping apart the cargo on a simitruck. The same truck that in my mind I actually saw run over me well I was on the ground. I was saying any second now. That second never came. And I didn’t really turn into a ware wolf and tear apart the truck. But I think I was Jipped. That was when I should have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. That was when Jesus should have said “my son” even though we are taught he is our brother” My son, repent of your evil ways, and join my flock” Or I would have preferred “I have great plans for you to experience fame and fortune, just wake up” I can even see a dead family member saying “Ben I love you, but your mission on earth is not done”
Nothing, just a ware wolf ripping apart pallets on a truck. That was it, and I have dreams like that ever night.

I in complete honesty, I was not scared, I never expected to die, but I did expect to be worst of then I am. Broken legs, arms, internal bleeding. At one time I visualized a car running over my mid section and slamming on the breaks while on my stomach and entering a skid with me under it. But still, no fear or religious experience.

Now as people tell me how blessed I am, or how god is real and watched out for you, I have serious doubts. I felt none of it. If it is real, and that god is real, heaven is real, blessings and miracles are real. I feel even more abandoned by my creator then I ever had prior to this. I, like many people, would love for the stories to be relevant. I believe Jesus lived, but do not know if he was a “god”, The religion is in question, and I cannot help but feel even further removed from my family because I did not feel god intervened. But, if he had, and maybe mad the motor home miss me…. Would I have stood here and said “God is great and powerful, he saved my life and I owe it to him from this time forward”….. So in theory, if he only has a set amount of saves, he should not have saved me.