The value of a nickel

I make a lot of jokes about people.  I will make fun of how they act, how they look, and what kind of crap they do.  But underneath it all, I take a great deal of sympathy on people.  After all, not everyone has all that I have, or can they do all that I can do.  Napoleon Hill said in his book “Think and Grow Rich”, that the number one reason for failure in life is Unfavorable Hereditary Background.  To quote it directly, “There is little, if anything, which can be done for people who are born with a deficiency in brain power”.   

I write this because I am surrounded by people who are suffering.  Suffering in poverty, with medical conditions, and just other crap that life has dealt them.   I myself suffer some of these things, and I need to remind myself this from time to time. 

The adage “One man’s garbage is another man’s Treasure” never seems so true then when I see someone digging through the trash for pop cans.  I see this a lot now that I am back in Oregon.  Washington didn’t do this .05 refund for returning the can to the store, so it wasn’t a big deal.  But here in Salem, the land that I would like to leave and forget, it is very common.  In fact, it is so common that I have started to remind people during the move-in process that they cannot climb in the compactor. 

But today, I came to the compactor and one of my residents was inside of it.  He had been there for a while, and was breaking open trash bags.  He was pretty dirty, and red in the face from the cold.  And for all his trouble, he had about 15 cans sitting on the ground. 

I told him he couldn’t do that, and he gave me an excuse about it being Christmas and he needed money for his kids.  The sad part, I know he isn’t completely lying.  I know there story, and I cannot share that here.  I started to clean up around the compactor, and he gathered his stuff to leave.  As he was leaving I noticed that he picked up about 10 cigarettes that he had pulled out of the trash, all over half smoked.  I know he doesn't smoke.  He pulled them out for his wife. 

I don’t have much money right now.  I am so broke right now that I am looking at ways to cut expense for the next few months.  But, I can be eternally great full that I have not been reduced to picking trash from the garbage.  I pity the people that find that as a reasonable source of extra money, and I wish that our society took better care of people.  The treatment of the mentally ill and the disabled is often reprehensible.  I will call that a fact, not just my opinion.     

To make things worse, I work and live in a community that is well below the poverty level.  Over half of the people here are on Government housing.  I would predict that 90% are receiving assistance of some sort.  Some of the people here chose their life style, most do not. 

I think living and working here is like visiting a foreign country.  It is easy to think that these people and this situation do not exist.  Or, that it isn’t as bad as people say.  Try telling that to the person who is has been reduced to digging through the trash.  Tell that to the people that cannot even get a job at fast food.  I suppose they would have trouble getting a food handlers card, but that again… Is it there fault there parent breed.    

An idea of a new hobby

I am considering starting a new hobby.  This one would be to give me an outlet for my bi-polar rages. 

I am going to start a new identity, facebook, youtube, google+… all of them.  Then I will log into the accounts and go to youtube and wreck havoc for fun.

I will go to a Justin Bieber post, and say that this kids is a homo freak with horrible hair.  Then sit back and enjoy the reply’s that people make. 

Then I can go to fox news and write a response to a news story about how we should vote 4 more years for Obama on a Romney story. 

Then I can find a equal rights story on a news site and quote some passage about how God hates all Fags, and we should public stone them.

I think that I may be able to have fun with that.  I wouldn’t care if I agreed with the story or not, just pick the opposite opinion of the story, and let it run for as long as it takes to get it out of my system. 

And then, when I get blocked from CNN, or Youtube, I can just create a new account. 

I think it would be a lot of fun.  

A good movie

There is something about foreign films that I seem to love.  I love America, don’t get me wrong.  And when it comes to movies well obviously we make good ones. 

The thing is, I love stories.  After all, that is why I write.  I love to read them, tell them, hear them, and live them.  But one thing I hate about Hollywood blockbusters is they are often simply unbelievable. 

For example, I went and saw some fast furious movie not too long ago with some friends.  It is hard to watch a movie like that, primarily because it could never happen.  Dragging a full safe with a one car through all of the concrete pillars and all that.  Let alone, the actors are not even close to real…

But something that has always annoyed me, and probably will forever, is the Germans speaking English with a German accent.  Watch a WW2 movie and they are speaking English with a heavy German accent.  And to make it worst, they say German words while speaking English to add to the fact that they are German. 

I have noticed this with watching a lot of the foreign films, and that is that they are not so big on having the Germans speak there language in a German accent.  Don’t get me wrong, it works in most cases.  But it fails to pull me into the story. 

Can you imagine a epic story like The Lord Of the Rings, and having the elves speak…I don’t know, English with an Irish accent? 

I just watched the best movie I have seen in a while.

Arn: The Knight Templar

The movie was a good story.  Full of love, hate, enemy’s trying to outdo there enemy’s.  There was human kindness, as well as the bad parts of the species.  It was, all in all a very good and moving story. 

This movie drew me into the story.  And I have to admit, that is hard to do in most cases.  I am writing, reading, or doing something online during most movies.  It has to do with the ADD and all that. 

Anyhow, right of the bat I decided that it was going to be hard to watch, as I was restless and trying to watch what I believed to be a Swedish movie.  

The coolest part of the movie, well at least to me, was that it was multi language.  The character went all over the world, and they spoke the appropriate language for that part of the show.  It went from Swiss, to Latin, to English, to Swiss, to English, to Arabic, to English, and then to Swiss again.  I may be leaving some out.

At one point, the English speaking person was mad at the Swiss person for knowing the language of their enemy, Arabic. 

This trait of a movie isn’t unseen in other movies.  This was just a good story, told nicely, with the added realistic approach to world travel….Language.    

is it relevant that he was a Jew in Germany during WW2

There are times that I feel like a raciest, bigot and hater of other people.

The thing is, I feel that particular subjects may not be relevant to your life story.  Or maybe I should correct that, some subjects just seem to overshadow all of the success that a person has.

What has brought this rant on?  I know, kind of lame but ehhh, it is what it is.  I was reading from my Environmental science text book and found a particular line completely out of line.    

The text book has referred to dozens of scientists, activist, and people in general.  The book has something like 8 contributing authors, and all of them actually have impressive bios. 

The one that caught my eye and annoyed me was that the referred to the scientist, DR Levi, as a concentration camp survivor.  The man was a genius, and provided massive amount of insight into the Carbon Cycle and other Chemistry related issues.  However, what does that really have to do with the fact that he was a survivor of a crime agents humanity. Did he stop and think as all his family was literally going up in smoke, hey this is part of the Carbon cycle... Yea, I know tasteless humor.  But can you tell me why they mentioned this in a one sentence introduction when talking about Carbon atoms and Global warming?  

Should people introduce Tom Arnold as a Child Rape survivor, before his acting credentials? 

Should Obama be introduced as a beneficiary of affirmative action before introduced as current leader of the free world?

How about Christina Aguilera's being a survivor of child abuse. 

Opera, and incest. 

My thought is this.  Did he survive the holocaust? Yep, so what.  It makes for a very good biography, and that is where it should stop.  I guess the accomplishments that a person has should overshadow the atrocities they faced growing up.

If I was, let’s say black or Latino or something, and a success.  Would I want someone to accuse me of making it only because I was a minority, and my school was forced to pick me because of that.  Or let’s say I worked for a major corporation, and was promoted to VP of something or another.  Would I want my name plate to read Affirmative action in action…

These things, all are things that happen in life, but not really relevant in most cases.  Seams to me that the only people complaining about Obama and Affirmative action are rich White people.  After all, who started that discussion other then Donald Trump.

The holocaust, rape, molestation, health issues.  

I can tell you it has always annoyed the hell out of me when people have said, oh Dyslexics are often artistic, so that is why you are artistic.  Or people with Bipolar are always so creative.  

Kind of like saying, oh he has autism and that is why he is so good at math. 

Can we not just say, oh he was a good scientist.  She is a talented talk show host.  He was a, well Simi-talented comedian.  Or, they have a talent for math or music.  Let’s focus on the talents, and accomplishments.  And leave the other stuff for parts of their biography.  

I have no idea why it bothers me when I read things like that, or hear them.  They seem so irrelevant to the bigger picture.  He was a good scientist, and a smart person.  He happened to be a Jew living in Germany during WW2. 

This particular text book has become very annoying to me.  I guess I just need something to occupy my mind at 3 in the morning so these things don’t bother me so much.  I also wonder, how many people read these things and then complain about them to themselves for days at a time.  let alone writing a pointless blog about it at 3 in the morning.   

I should write more random rants, so I do not feel so odd when I actually do it.  

Many thanks.

Yet one more Turkey day came and went.  Well, It hasn't “went” as of yet, but I am writing this before you read it, so I guess the chance is that it has “went” now. 

A lot has been happening, and not much at the same time.  I am happy that at least two of my kids are with me for the holiday, and that my family is in good health. 

I am not a huge fan of holidays, and I like even less the food that is feed to people on thanksgiving.  I know that people get all worked up about turkey, and pie.  I personaly do not fully understand that, as you can eat that stuff all the time.  I mean, go get a turkey in May and eat it then. 

Anyhow, for years I have recommended that my family forget turkey, and try and cook a pig.  Maybe duck, or just good old fashion BBQ.  You can imagine, as I have been wanting to do this since I can remember, the pure excitement when my daughter asked for Ribs for Turkey Day. 

I refuse to force my kids to come to my house.  I know that it is my holiday to have the kids, but they wanted to go to their grandparent’s house.  So, I encouraged it.  I was very happy that two of them at least wanted to come to my house instead. 

Autumn likes ribs, and Shea wanted Pizza.  So this year for thanksgiving we ate BBQ ribs and cheese pizza.  We had stuffing, mashed potatoes, salad, and mountain dew to wash it down. 

Needless to say, It was a good meal.  Not as much food, sense there was just three of us.  But some good food none the less.  

A few pictures to share the day.  Good day, and God bless

I should also mention... Autumn decided that thanksgiving diner should be a finger meal...

What if's

I have been in a rather contemplative mode the last few days, you know just thinking about this, thinking about that.  The general theme of my thoughts the last few days have been of “What if”. 

I am not thinking about this subject as a wish that I had done things different, but thinking about situations of life that could be.  What if MS takes me?  What if my kids turn out to be bad kids?  What if my X marries a perfect person?  For that matter, what if I do or don’t. 

The thing is, it has put me in a train of thought that makes me thankful.  I do not wish to think of this as "God has blessed me".  Instead, I am just plain great full that things are the way they are.  I suffer from depression, and it gets real bad at times.  But, in the end I am just happy that things are the way they are. 

My kids are awesome.  As they grow older, the conversations change just a little.  Talking to my kids this weekend made me laugh several times, especially my girls.  My oldest, he is turning 16 this year.  My two young boys are just kids, and they are so full of energy.  I even spent some time with my Niece and Nephew this weekend, and enjoyed that. 

The thing is, thinking about the if’s can be fun.  I am thinking not of the bad ones.  You know, what if my mom died, or dwelling on the what if my X didn't want a divorce so bad.  Those are just plain depressing.  But thinking about what if my kids do great things.  I think of it as a when.  I was thinking the other night about my kids being parents someday.  It was after a bit that I thought, hey weight a second that would make me a grandfather.  I thought that train of thought was funny. 

But, the point of all of these thoughts was simple.  I was trying to think of things that I am looking forward to.  I haven’t really looked forward to much this last year or so.  Nothing really stands out as something to get excited about.  But I have been finding them.   I want to hear the story’s my kids will tell me about their first dates.  I want to hear the story’s about job interviews, and failed romances.  I want them to enjoy life, and share it with me.  I even want to hear from my X about when she meets someone.  I so want her to be happy in life as much as I want the kids to be happy. 

I like a good story.  I like to hear how things turn out.  I like to think about the ifs of life.  Sad, or happy, they are all part of the story of our lives.  We can all sit around telling sad stories, and sit around telling happy stories.  Life is great; I just sometimes need to remind myself that. 

I am now, going to go play my trumpet.  What if I could play real good… When I get done, I will go to the gym.  What if I actually get in shape.  When I get home, I will do school work.  What if I do get a good job?  

After that, I will write for a bit.  What if I do publish?  Someday, I will find someone who wants me for me.  The truth.  When, not if.  

The things people say

I can probably be fired for this, but I write as a means of venting my anger and frustration.  These is a collection of comments that people have made to me, or about me.  All from my residents.  Direct quotes or close to…

“You’re a stingy, stingy, stingy man”   

    

“I need a gentlemen to do the things a gentlemen does”…”He must be a christen, I personally don’t go to church, but he must”

“Hey ben, don’t bend over ben”

“I am really smart, I was tested in high school and my IQ was in the high 80’s”

“I am going to join the reserves, and then I am going to buy a hummer, hummers are bigger then Jeeps you know”

“you cannot help it, your not a women, your brain isn’t wired right.  Men cannot multi task, but that is in material….. You know what, you suck.  You just suck, and you cannot help it”

“this is a free country, I have freedom of speech, I can say whatever I want…. You cannot say that to me”

“I had about a dozen kids over at my house, all under 14.  They used my pot, and drank all of my beer.  I reported myself to the police because I am a mandatory reporter”

“He told me to get out, unnecessary words proving he doesn’t know how to keep his cool”

“I believe he has a serious power/control and anger problem, I spent many years studying the psychology of the human mind and I feel I am qualified to make this judgment”

“Benjamin Crane is not only an insecure man, but suffers from a severe inferiority complex”

“Women have very very very long memory’s”

I could go on.  But, then I would start laughing out loud.  That isn't healthy when you are in a quit room all by yourself...

Embarrassing addiction

I will openly admit, I am a nerd.  I cannot help it, I was born this way I guess. 

So, the thing is, I like documentaries, and as of late have been watching a collection of rather odd ones.  For example, I have watched several on insects, world religions, ancient religions, and technology and inventions.  I will also, sadly admit that I was watching a collection of them on religion that I was actually looking forward the other day to coming home from work to finish it.  I mean, my life has hit an all new low, that I am looking forward to getting home to learn about dead world religions. 

But, like many other addictions, it often takes some sort of eye opening experience to convince you that you have a problem.  For example, a drug addict may need intervention.  There are all sorts of things that may happen, some simple and some not so simple.

Well, Netflix is amazing.  I think anyone that uses it will agree.  The way they decide what movies you may or may not like is pure mathematics at its greatest.  Award winning software innovations is simply understating the complexities of these programs.

Anyhow, the sad thing is that my abrupt eye opening experience goes like this.

 

I log onto Netflix, and under the category for “Exciting” or in other words, the way Netflix put it was this.  Our best guess is that Benjamin will find these movies exciting.  When I think exciting, I would say that would mimic the feeling that a child gets two days before Christmas when there is a huge box under the tree. 

Well, under the exciting category is 10 shows that they think I will find exciting.  5 of them were documentaries, and 3 were 1960’s era movies.  The other two I didn’t look that close at.    

I think I may be becoming one of the most un-interesting people out there… May God have mercy on my soul…

Spider Man

Last night I had a dream that I was Spider Man.  I can say, dream meanings are clear in the beginning part of this dream.  It was all about overcoming an obstacle.  The later parts of the dream are less clear, but that isn’t the point.

 So, I was sitting on a ledge, in what I can only say was a cave with a wild river running through it.  So I was sitting there, and was trying to figure out how to get out of the spot I was in.  I was stuck, couldn’t go anywhere, basically sitting on a ledge looking at the river.  I remember thinking that I got myself there, why now how was I to get out.  

So, I was sitting there, and I watched a spider crawl up over the top of a cave.  I said to myself, if that little insignificant spider could get climb upside down on a wall, so could I.  So, I climbed up the wall and over the roof to the other side.  The dream then turned into me being spider man and going about life with spidey since, and all that spider man stuff. 

I have no idea where spider man came from, but it was a pretty fun dream. 

No Jobs

No Jobs…

Well, many know that I am not a user of Apple products.  The fact is, I have secretly wanted to sell out and go apple all the way for many years.  But, I have sold myself to Google and the android world, so I cannot say I didn’t sell out.  

Anyhow, Apple has always been pretty cool.  In fact, as far as company CEO’s go, I am a huge fan of Steve Jobs.  For whatever reason I have followed his career for as long as I can remember, not hard to do in all reality.

 

But, I must say.  Bill gates left and look what happened to that company.  Now Jobs is leaving, and possibly dying.  It will be interesting as to what happens there. 

A lot has happened in the last four or five years.  There have been many companies that have crashed because of the economy.  There is no longer a GI Joes, or Circuit City.  Countless products are gone.  HP is getting out of hardware end of computers, and that is just the start.  Trimming the fat they say…

I guess, when all the dust settles from this, it will be interesting to see what 5 people control all of the wealth and business of the country… LOL 

Making Music

Well, this last January I purchased a trumpet and decided to start playing again.  I am not really sure why, but after a decade of not playing, and almost 2 since I played regularly, I went to the store and bought a used student trumpet.  Maybe it was February.  

There is a story my mom likes to tell people.  I personally believe it is one of those stories that she tells in order to make herself feel better about her generally misbehaving son.  Anyhow, it goes like this…

Fake old women falsetto

“One day, well it must have been back in something like 1992 or 1993, and we lived back in the old farm house.  Well, I was coming home from shopping for groceries, which was before they had Winco foods.  You know what, that was before it was Cub foods, and we all did our shopping at the old Market Place.  

Well, I was driving in the driveway and thinking Where the heck is my Oldest son, and you know when he was born I just knew I was going to be taken care of.  I had 4 girls, and when I had a boy I just knew I was going to be taken care of in my old age.  

Well, I was parking the car, and all I could hear was this glorious music.  My son, the one I knew was going to be the best one of my kids, was in his room listening to Classical music on full blast.  The cymbals would make the old single pain windows shake, and the tuba shook the front door.

How could I complain, he was listening to good person music, it wasn’t any of that worldly Beach Boys, or Garth Brooks, or one of those other music of the devil.  You know, the kind that the young kids move their hips to.  I always say, if you can dance to it then you are letting the devil into your heart and it isn’t any good.

So, I did what any good mother would do, I carried the grocery’s inside, made my favorite child a good home cooked meal like only Mama could make, and waited for him to finish listening to that heavenly music.”

Well, my mom doesn’t actually talk that like.  She doesn’t mind music you can dance to.  

Anyhow, I remember doing that.  I was listening to Hyden Eb concerto for trumpet.  I was lying on my back, shaking the windows to a trumpet cassette tape.    In my mind, I was the lead trumpet playing for the largest and most famous orchestra in the country.  It was me playing those high notes, and me playing such amazing trills.

Well, today I played on my trumpet, Hyden Eb concerto 2 movements on the trumpet from beginning to end, and I played it well.  The thing is, this was a day dream at one point in my life.  And I am getting close to actually doing it.  Granted, in most cases it is probably like someone who loves to sing singing to the radio, and not very well.  But to me, I can play along now to this peace of music.  I am very happy...

  

This piece of music is the most requested piece of music to be played when trying out for college music programs all over the country, and I finally played it through.  I still have a lot of refining to do, and I still need to learn the first and third movement.  The third is actually my favorite.  But I am very proud of what I have been able to accomplish in 6 months.  

I am now playing, after six months, music that most college students are playing.  My goal is when I can play all 3 movements at the written speed, and correctly, I will purchase a professional horn.  I look forward to accomplishing that… Maybe, if I can get to that point, then I will record it and share it with someone.

I don't play this good, but for those who are not familiar with the peace of music, this is it.  My plan is to be able to play this at years end.  Good luck Ben...lol

Quality of life

I have often found it necessary in my mind to set benchmarks, for a lack of a better word.  I have the need, and I know it is my OCD that does it, by I need to measure and categorize nearly everything.  I have been accused of over analyzing.  I tend to read way too much into what someone says or does.  It has never in my whole life been a true benefit, and nothing but an annoyance.  But, sometimes I stumble into a pattern of thought that is rather comical and every once in a while I come up with something funny, and even possibly useful. 

I have been obsessing on the need to find a way to measure the quality of life.  It may have started because I want to determine if my life is getting better or worse, another thing I have the need to measure, especially having periodic severe episodes of blinding depression. 

Economists tend to leave this one alone, as there are too many variables to actually measure and track quality of life.  But alas, I cannot seem to drop it.  But I am not trying to come up with a way that everyone can use, just really something to occupy those long and lonely nights I have sense I chased off my friends and family. 

And now, I think I have come up with one.  How you may ask am I trying to measure the quality of one’s life?  It’s really simple.  Toilet paper.

It is quite simple, and after you read my argument I am sure you will agree. 

When we are born, life is simple and good.  We get feed, burped, and changed whenever we need.  That is if life is good to us from the start.  If mom loves us, she uses good quality wipes.  If not, she ignores us and lets us go all day in a cheap diaper.  So, life is good, you get huggies.  Not so good, the loin cloth. 

Now as we get older, diet plays into our need for toilet paper.  If we are healthy, and have a good diet, then we have regular and healthy bowel movements.  I have found over the years that a healthy life style is not the cheapest.  If you have food allergies like gluten, soy, or milk, then you can agree that eating the way your body needs is difficult.  This can lead to a constipated, or louse situations.  Too much of something, and your plugged up.  Or, the alternative once again. 

So, let’s say hypothetically you love spicy food, but it is not good for your body.  So, if you eat some hot food, you get painful and explosive loose stool.  This leads to an excessive use of toilet paper.  Or, you love red meat, and it plugs you up.  This leads to a low consumption of toilet paper. 

The thing is, your love of bad food makes you irregular, so you are not right upstairs, so your quality of life has suffered.  The same can be said if you cannot afford to eat things that do not make you sick.  If you have to eat a lot of something cheap, then your life is suffering.  I have always thought hamburger is cheap, and it makes me very sick. 

So, if your mental health is not so good, you can do it to yourself, or if your budget isn’t so good then you may suffer.  I also think that life style plays into it.  If you are a sit at home and get fat eating potato chips, then you may not be regular.  Again, quality of life is making you eat un healthy food.  And, if you like that food and you do it on purpose, well…. I think the elevator may not be going all the way up.  Thus meaning quality of life is suffering. 

Now, what about the type of paper you buy.  I am sure there is someone that likes to use that cheap nearly sandpaper but still somewhat absorbent tissue to clean up the shoot.  For example the stuff that is typically in a public gas station restroom.  Again, elevator out of service.  But really, I think if people had ultimate choice they would pick quality, soft and strong.  Maybe lint free.  Heck, how many people would prefer to have a good cleaning with a huggie diaper wipe after there daily 30 minutes of reading.  Oh, and I think 30 minutes is a lower quality of life.  Same as 6 or so five minuet trips a day. 

So, in the end, I have decided that the quality and quantity of toilet paper can be charted on a per person level to come up with a reasonably accurate measure on the quality of one’s life.  If I was to come up with a scouring method for brands and usage measures, I am sure I could start to categorize people in this way.  There could be other things, like the number of times in a year that you need to use a plunger. 

But, in the end.  How many people could I get to start tracking there toilet paper use and purchasing habits.  And, really.  How many people do I actually want to know this info for?

So, why have I been thinking about this almost none stop for 2 weeks.  Well, I have had my kids for two weeks.  I have lived in my home for one month, and purchased toilet paper one time.  In the two weeks I had without kids, I used 20% of the total paper used when I had the kids.  Also, they have plugged up the toilet 2 times, forcing me to get a plunger.  Something I never need, and will never use without them. 

So, my OCD took over and now I am looking at toilet paper everywhere I go, and starting to put it on my chart.  Public bathrooms, peoples apartments, hotels, everything. 

Oh, and now that I am writing this in my hotel room.  I think those hotel review sites should rank them on the type of toilet paper that they stock.  I am at a nice hotel, with cheap and useless toilet paper.  IT has a 4.5 star rating, and should be dropped just on that alone.  I haven’t had to utilize this service, but I did check sense I seem to be obsessed with the concept. 

Yea, I need professional help.  I think my elevator is going up and down and not letting anyone on or off… Que sara sara…

Well, does it taste like chicken?

     In my life I have had a few strange things come out of an egg. This is of course not counting all those plastic eggs that people put things in; I am talking the real deal fresh from the chicken eggs.
    I remember the first double yoke. And my true dream of an egg that was nothing but a yoke. But what I found last night has left me puzzled all day.
     I decided to scramble some eggs for a part of my diner. After I had three eggs in the pan I noticed a strange looking gray thingy. It was about a quarter inch round and floating in the middle of the yoke of one of the eggs.
     Now, things happen, I get this. But what bothers me is my reaction to it. A sane, normal human would say gross and dump the whole thing. Heck, for safety sake dump the whole package of eggs in the garbage.
     Oh, but not Ben. I stood there, took a long and steady look at it, and said to myself. “I wonder if it tastes like chicken or an egg”?
     I ended up getting a spoon and removing the object of my thoughts from my diner, scrambled the eggs, and had a decent diner. And the rest of the eggs are still safe in the fridge. I played with the gray thing for a moment before tossing it out, and would say that it closely resembled liver. It was rubbery in texture, and didn’t smell bad.
     But it really bothers me that my first reaction wasn’t of disgust, but of curiosity of what it would taste like.

My vacation.

I wrote a particular dream down that I had a few weeks ago. The dream itself was pretty bad. In fact, I would just call it a nightmare, a bad one. It however left me thinking, and that normally is not a good thing. I will not share the dream with the world, but my thoughts about it I will.

The thing is I reminded myself about the good in my life. I walked away from a very good job on the first of this year. I refused to start another year without making some changes in my life. So, I did. I hated what I was, and where I was. Going through a divorce, never seeing my kids. Feeling like a slum lord. I was losing everything, and getting nothing in return. Some will say because I walked away, that I was running.

The thing was, I was running. I was running towards my target. I haven’t hit it yet, that may be years in the making. But for the first time in a long time I feel like I am making it.

This year is half over. So far, I have visited all of my siblings in their homes. I have hiked about 25 miles in the Columbia River. I made the drive from Carson to Cougar. I have attended a field trip with each of my kids. I am literally scratching the paint off on this. And that is so far amazing. I have lost weight, and feel better than I have felt in a long time.

I feel that I need to keep things like this on my mind. I am thankful to God, my friends, and my family.

I feel blessed, watched over. I am confident that I am going to be happy some day. Something that I will need to remember in the dark days to come.

little yellow energy

I would like to draw a simple comparison between my son, and Rock star energy drinks.  Over the last... Well I hate to say it, decade, I have become a connoisseur of energy drinks.  Over the last few months I have discovered the Hydration Rock star.  I love lemon aid, and this is lemon aid flavor.

The thing is, they really fail to capture the “essence” of energy.  I however think there should be some way to inspire it into people, instead of drinking it in a can.  And I think I found it...

Today, I went with Shea, his class of Kindergartners, and the kindergartners of 17 buses from 10 schools.  at 35 people a bus that is a whole lot of energy packed up in little spaces.  I ran the whole Zoo, and had a lot of fun.  And after that, I decided to take Shea to Multnomah Falls for a hike.  After the Zoo, Shea fell asleep in the car.  And when he woke up at the falls he literally exploded out of the car saying “Where is it, where is it”. 

He spent all day at the Zoo, and then ran up the falls.  I mean RAN.. My fatness couldn’t keep up with him.  Darn near killed me that kid.  The worst part was, I figured he was tiered.  So I kindly explained to him.  “You know Shea, I know your tired, so we will go up tell you get tired, and then we will head back down OK” 

He replied, “Ok Dad, when I get tired, we will come back down”.  Now, if it stopped there, that would be OK.  But he then turned to me, and with that sweet six year old voice said, “and dad, if you get tired we can turn back to”.. I laughed, and told him I have climbed it before, and am sure I can make it. 

Well, about half way up I was struggling to keep up with him.  I have been getting into shape, but apparently not fast enough.  Half way up I said “Shea, we need to stop, I need a rest” 

This was the first of the four brakes that he allowed me to take.  And, I would like to point out that he asked me how long I needed, and I said just one minuet.  He then started counting.  One time I said, alright lets go, and he said I still had ten seconds left. 

He was thrilled to go all the way to the top.  We looked around, walked up the trail a little farther, and then he ran all the way down.  But he was nice, he stopped at every tree to wait for me to catch up. 

My lesson learned today, energy cannot come in a can, it comes in having kids.  They are a hoot, and the fun never stops.  In my effort to be a good long distance father, I have been trying to do special activity's with each of them one on one.  It isn’t the reason that I am getting into shape, but getting to climb Multnomah Falls with my six year old is a blast. 

I would like to point out the similarity between Rock star, and my son.  Just look, it’s there...

Need a hint.  There both yellow, and in my case get your heart pumping, and the Adrenalin flowing.  I simply love my kids.