claming

Over the Labor Day holiday I joined my parents on an excursion to the coast to do some clamming.  I personally didn't do too much clamming, but I did enjoy myself. 

For starters, cannot ever remember going somewhere with my parents like this.  Not once in my memory has my mom gone anywhere outdoors, let alone camping.

Well, is it camping if they rent a small cabin?  Close enough. 

Here is a picture of my mom and dad digging for clams. 

They caught their limit every day they were there, and I did help a little. 

We had many conversations, and spent a good weekend together having a blast.  I Hung out with my family friend Paul, and many other decent people who know Paul’s family from Church.  And we ate well. 

However, aside from camping and eating like kings, I saw a UFO. 

Around 10:00 I started seeing lights acting odd in the sky.  I watched them for most of 20 minutes, and even went and got my dad to see them.  On UFO sighting web site’s I found several other sightings the same as what I saw on the same night in the same area.  Who knows, out of world visitors, or just a weather balloon.  The main thing, my dad and I could not identify the craft, and it faded into nothing.  Such fun. 

I have been invited back, and I am sure to go.  

I didn't get a perfect sunset, but I did play with the one I had.  here is a picture of that.  

A purchase long in the making.

In early January 2011 I made the decision to purchase a used trumpet from a pawn shop and take it back up.  I had not played regular since Jr. High School, as I dropped it in the early part of 10th grade.

In the story of my life, I have been told I am pretty good on a trumpet.  I have a deep love for all kinds of music, and classical and jazz on the horns is almost always something I like.  I actually wrote a blog about it when I first purchased the horn, and talked about a story from  my childhood.

http://benjaminacrane.blogspot.com/2011/08/making-music.html

Thats right, there is the blog..lol  Read it first.

The point is, when I wrote this and bought this POS horn I had set the goal to learn how to play, and not just simple crap, but the real music of the world.  I purchased a broken trumpet at a pawn shop, and a few years later I picked up another, and between the two I had a working horn.

The horn I have been playing sounds very poor.  The sound produced on the high notes are like playing a blade of grass.   The low notes, they sound like stepping on a whoopee cushion.

But, I had a goal and have steadily played for almost 1 hour no less than 4 days a week for the better part of a year, and the last few months I have been know to play for 2 plus hours.  It really hasn't been easy either.
For starters, I have a slight vibrato from my tremors.  And my anxiety is very bad when I know that a bunch of people who do not like me can hear what I am doing.  Not sure why that bothers me, but it has made it very difficult to play at times.

Well, my goal has been, when I can play Haydn trumpet concerto for Eb trumpet I would buy a new horn.  The first problem I faced was, well the trumpet I have been playing isn't capable of playing that particular peace of music.  It simply cannot play that high.  But, I have been getting very good.

Well, I received a small portion of my accident settlement, and after paying all the little bills I have, and there were a bunch, I decided I would by a trumpet.

I budgeted a lot less than I paid, but I walked into Beacoks with the intent of looking at some horns, and there it was, my dream horn.  I will stress, I did not intend to purchase when I went in.  After all, I have been in there several times and played there horns for fun.  But after playing this horn, I could not walk out without it.

I purchased a a Harrelson model 909 custom made trumpet, and paid well for it.  I have to say, playing the music is so much nicer, and I sound great.  This horn is amazing, and I could probably play for the rest of my life and not be good enough to justify such a horn.

Harrelson is a small company.  In fact, there is only one person Jasson Harrelson who makes all of the horns.  You can imagine, there are not that many of them out there if only one person makes them.  Equivalent horns sell on there website for over $8,000 bucks.

I emailed the company asking for more information, and was told about all the customizations that were made, and was also told the horn retailed new for over the price for over that number.  I am stoked.  

Point is, with this trumpet I am now prepared to start recording some of my playing, as I am both good enough now and have a instrument that doesn't sound like a whoopee cushion.  So, look for some of those blogs coming up.  But for fun, here is my new horn.  My new love, and my new toy...

And another.

I know, to the untrained eye it actually looks kind of beat up and ugly.  It is a non lacquered horn, and to me a peace of personal art.  It also weighs about 10 times what my old one does, and the sound is so perfect.  This will be fun, and I look forward to trying out for some Orchestras over the next year.  Not sure if I stand a chance, but I will try out once again.

Just one ingredient.

Not everyone can laugh at themselves; I take a great deal of pleasure in doing just that.  This one happened a few months ago, and I am sure each of the kids involved will laugh at it forever. 

I asked Sean to make Mac and Cheese for diner, and he insisted that he didn't want to.  After an exchange of words I convinced him that he did indeed want to make dinner.  I then walk off and left him to cook, the others to clean, and me to relax. 

I had not been paying to close of attention, and was I am sure ranting about something.  But, Sean says, diner, and I looked over at his creation.  The noodles were a mess, not fully cooked and stuck together.  The cheese was in dumpling form, and there was part of the stick of butter not melted in the mix to boot.

 

Well, I started a rant that only I can do, and proceeded to explain to Sean how he should be more like me… Well, to be honest, looking back I was probably ruder then I thought.  Oh well, what’s done is done.

Anyhow, I started this rant as I dumped the creation down the drain and proceeded to wash the pan for a second attempt.  This rant went on for the entire time I was cooking.  I was going on about how simple it was to cook this dish. 

I was teasing, and I believe that the kids were having fun with the tease, as we were laughing.  But, we decided there were 4 ingredients, as water doesn't count.  I was yelling 

“Getting difficult, adding the second ingredient”, 

and 

“Oh my gosh, the 4 ingredients, I wonder if it will turn out”.  

I went and after basically making fun of Sean for 15 mins, I set the table and the boys started eating.  I was thirsty, and decided to make some Crystal light. 

I poured the water, and mixed the Crystal light.  I poured a class, and with disgust looked at the Pitcher.  As I started to say, how much water is a quart Sean says 

“Hey dad, ONE ingredient”. 

This was at the beginning of summer, as Cody was here.  I have been reminded as first Cody laughed at it.  Then Sean says something.  But when Shea walked up to me today and said 

“Hey dad, remember, one ingredient”, 

I knew I had created a family story that will be told for years.  I will now start to down play it and turn it into a myth.  

The Fair

Earlier this week I ventured into public with my sister and we went to the State Fair.  She had 3 of her kids, and I had 4 of mine, so we had a good crowd. 

 Shea is missing in this picture.  Why, well because he was with me...

.

He spent most of the day with me, as he didn't want to ride the scary rides.  We rode the fair lift, and got a few good pictures from it.  

His favorite ride was the ferris wheel, and we rode it a few times.  

Sean and Josh rode it once with us, as we separated boys and girls on this ride.  We ended up talking about video games, and what would happen if there was a power outage.  

The girls however, I am pretty sure embarrassed Heidi as they were non stop "Flirting" with some boys in another box.  

Not sure how to flirt myself, apparently you make funny faces.  I shall try that sometime, see how it works for me.  

It was a blast, we ate cotton candy, talked about Templton, and just had a great time.  Followed the trip up with BBQ at my house, and watched toy story 3.  In fairness, we started the movie in the Heidi's shinny new car.

It was a blast, I think all of the kids had fun.  I forgot to ask Megan if the corn dog was good, but other then that I think we all had fun.  Thanks Heidi.  Oh, and most of the pictures are from her and Autumn, I cannot take credit...

Fleas

Well, my house had fleas... I think.  I mean, It could be mosquitoes.

Well, I decided to flea bomb the house today, and to get out the kids and I decided to go for a  hike / drive.  We ended up at Stevens Mine, and were there all afternoon exploring.

There is a little swimming pool, and it was so pretty we hung out for hours.  Here are some of the kids exploring.

There were a few that were really good.  This particular two of shea are my favorites for now.

Lots of green, loved the look.  

In the end, we found two mine shafts that I had not previously found.  

but then they all got tired.  

After the afternoon exploring, we went to diner and played miniature golf.  That was just as fun, but didn't get pictures.  

The fourth of July

I know it is kind of late.  I actually forgot about it…lol But, here is the fourth of july pictures for everyone.

As a family, and I mean the whole darn family, got together at Joe’s house this year.  Ended up with I have no idea how many of us, but there was more food then 5x our number could have eaten. There are so many stories to tell, it should be left to a better speller to tell.  But I know my kids LOVED the fact that the next day they walked downstairs and asked Joe what was for breakfast... Joe said Cake.  After all, he had two full sized sheet cakes left.  Good childhood... not to mention none of my kids brushed their teeth.  

Each member of the family brought some side dish, and then something to BBQ.  I think I got out of bringing anything, but I did a lot of the cooking. I stood there for almost 4 hours cooking.  It was a blast.  We ate well, that is for sure.

We started the day with most of the kids playing capture the flag or some such game with water balloons and squirt guns.   One of the funny things about this was that Shea was apparently crying about it not being fair, and Joe gave him this squirt gun about as big as he was and told him he was ref.  I didn't see this, but it explains the change in his attitude.  

There were many action shots during the game.  I want to mention, all of these were taken by Papa.  

I guess they are trying to give the message that they are not to be messed with. 

Papa did good on this one.

A good shot

followed by another.  Seams Papa has not lost his touch.  

and then another

I can honestly say, I have made fun of people that have made these type of partyies for most of my life.. What kind of foolish person gets together , and spends thousands on fireworks.  We only spnet hundreds, but the fireworks was fun... And the kicker, we are all sober and I will never forget the humor as I here Joe say I thought she hit me... The story, Joe got nailed in the chest with a morter round..  It wasn't actualy a mortor, but it sounds better.  Autumn was standing next to him, and he thought she was strong enough to do that.  Heidi and Grany got sprayed by sparks, and the whole group was standing or sitting where the thing went... And we nearly blew the hole family up, stone cold sober.  

Where was I... Trying to change the setting on my camera and missed the whole thing. 

But, I did capture some of these.  

This one I loved, if you know me you know I like faces..lol

It may be my depression.  It may be life in general. Two of us are divorced.  The declining health of the family, people running off to collage soon.  These activities are soon to come to an end.  It will be hard to have every member of the current family present for an impromptu photo.  The idea is more then I care to think.  We are not all going to be here for ever.  But, here are a few of the good ones.

Here however is the reason for life.  Family, friends, and happiness.... and blowing things up.

I look forward to next year.  

For anyone interested, here is a link to about 50 of the pictures that I have posted.  

A lovely spider

I love the spiders…

So, while everyone is sleeping what do I do, I spend a half hour with my teenage daughter playing with a large spider. 

About 1:00 in the morning I catch out of the corner of my eye a spider lowering itself down from a light fixture.  The thing was rather large, and I instantly recognized it as a spider that I have been keeping on my porch for about a month, maybe longer.

Autumn and I decided we wanted to play with it, I mean who wouldn't right.  We set some paper on the table, and were both impressed as it could be heard across the room as its legs hit the paper while walking. 

I was also impressed that autumn was willing to pick the thing up. None of the pictures I took with the coin in it turned out any good, but the body alone was the size of a quarter.  

I try and teach my kids that all things are fascinating, and not to cause harm, even to a spider.  I always follow this up with the FACT that it is completely ok to kill ladybugs, as they are dangerous. 

Anyhow, here is a few pictures that I took.  I think Autumn had some better ones however.  

A week with Sean

Do to the fact that my other kids all had camps, and other church activities I was given the opportunity to spend a whole week with Sean, without any of my other kids.  I have to say, we did have fun. 

One of the problems I have faced over the years is the juggling how much time I spend with an individual kid.  The kids refer to the one on one time with Steph and me as Special time with Mom / Dad, and I agree that it is special. 

Over the week, we watched a bunch of movies, played some video games, and also went camping.  We ate at a restaurant, had Chinese take out, and ordered pizza, all in one week.

The camping trip however is what I will remember the most of the whole week.  We did bring my laptop, and retired to the tent at about 11 to watch a movie, one that we had to turn off mid-way so Sean could produce the most bizarre looking vomit.  We ate Oreos in the tent while watching the movie, and he preceded the Oreos with purple Gatorade, a hamburger, and beef jerky.  It came out as sludge, and when we left the campground the following afternoon it was still sitting in a small pile as if it was fresh from the poor kid. 

But the fun was had both days. 

The first day, we headed out early in the morning and set up camp.  As we discovered something like the 5^th forgotten item, Sean told me he felt we were unprepared for the camping trip.  I proceeded to tell him about some of my camping trips that I had gone on over the years, and forgotten items on those trips.  We in the end decided that we didn't need the few items that we forgot.  This led to many stories of my camping trips I had taken over the years.

We went on a hike, and both of us spent a good portion of the time climbing to high spots, and hoping we didn't fall.  We played at the falls, and just hung out at camp.  The best part of this trip was the conversations we had.  We talked about divorce, religion, health issues, and family.  I let him pick the topics, and he kept the conversations going.  The details of the conversations are too long to type, but I can say I was surprised at a whole bunch of the things he said.  Surprised in a good way..lol

We spent a great deal of time talking about religion, politics, economics, and other what I would call adult topics.  I did mention he started almost every conversation right.  Who would think an 11 year old would ask about economics… I was pretty sure he is my kid, I mean he looks just like me and all, but now I am sure..lol

The thing is, some of the things he said made me feel real good, and it made the trip priceless when you want to assess the value of it.  At one point Sean said to me something to the effect of, “You have changed my life.  You have taught me more than anyone I know, and I love how you can explain something to me in ways I can understand, you have made me a better person.”

If this alone didn't make me feel like an awesome father, the next day he did it again…

While hanging out at the falls, he noticed that I was walking odd, and asked if I was feeling OK.  I told him I was not feeling well, but I would be fine.  There is a point on the trail where there are about 70 steps to climb.  I was making jokes about how the stairs were going to kill me, but he was panting almost as hard..lol 

 

We stopped about half way up for a brake, and after I started up again he told me “Dad, I love how you with your bad back and all your other problems, are always the first person to get up and say let’s go.” 

Anyhow, I am proud of my kids.  Glad to be a part of their life.  And happy to be the person that they look up to.

Here are a few pictures from the trip.  

Fitness.

One of the many mental obstacles I fight is the urge to count things.  I like statistical data, regardless of what it tells me, I love data about myself.  I however hate recording the data.

Well, back in January of this year I was given a very cheap pedometer from work.  They were promoting fitness and health, and they gave one to each employee.  The funny part of this story is that they were going to give $50 to the person who had the most steps during the 2 day training.  I was, as is usual, very anxious.  When I am anxious, I tap my feet or pace.  Well, I promptly attached this device to my shoe, and was counting my foot taps.  I learned that I tap WAY more than I thought.  More than I thought was humanly possible to be honest. 

I spent the next 2 days annoying everyone with the clicking.  I was also publicly disqualified when the owner of the company announced to the room of 200 people that I was cheating, and when asked how many I was up to after 45 short minutes I had broken 50,000 taps of my foot. 

Anyhow, this made me start thinking about fitness.  And yes it is sad that a cheap toy got me serious about changing my fitness goals.  Anyhow, I ended up coming across this website www.fitbit.com, and there line of products.  I am seriously a fan of this thing, and think that it was a great investment on my part. 

I pre ordered a fitbit Flex back in February when I got my tax return, and received it just a few weeks ago.  I have worn it consistently for 20 days, and I love the results.  I have also discovered some very interesting things about me. 

For starters, I fall asleep just like the most people.  I always thought I could never fall asleep, but in reality I am falling completely asleep in less than 5 minutes the majority of the time.  I however almost always wake up within 15 minutes and am then awake for 20 or more minutes.  I have also been rapid cycling for this whole time, and can clearly see my mood tracked on graphs for the first time in my life. 

The first week, I spent 8 hours on average in bed every night, and slept an average of 5.3 hours a night.  Then I went a little manic, and spent 6 hours in bed, and slept on average of 2.7 hours a night.  I am consistently waking up on average of 15 times every night. 

As for the fitness part of the gig.  I have the thing set for an alarm to go off when I walk 10,000 steps in one day.  I tell you, this is not an easy goal, and it feels really good to have the thing go off.  I am proud to say that I have met this 10,000 step goal 13 out of the 20 days I have had it. 

Anyhow, so far this is my stats.

1. My most active day was 19720 steps, or 9.02 miles
2.  I have so far taken 215,571 steps, or 102.44 miles
3. I have also lost 5.6 pounds. 

For the record, I used my GPS and checked the distance calculator.  It is very close in their estimate. 

I really feel better about using this to lose weight and gain better understanding on my life than anything I have ever tried.  After all, I am about lifestyle change, not fad diets.  

Sleep is also a direct measure of my mood, and it is so nice to see it on paper.  I think having this record will benefit me in huge ways.  I will say however that I did not think that the sleep tracker was accurate at first, because I did not agree with the data.  I have since learned to trust it, and feel good about its accuracy. I really like how it shows my data, and tracks it for me.  

But, the best thing is that I don't have to spend much effort to record all of this.  Almost too good to be true. 

I want more of my friends to get one, so I can compare data.  I think it would be fun.  Any takers?

The impact

A few years back I decided to stop being ashamed of mood and emotion.  I decided that there was a lot of good that could be found by talking about my life, and sharing it with other people. Not an original idea, I know.  But It was a very liberating move on my part.

I came across this video about a month ago, and felt like sharing it.  I however lost interest, and forgot about it until tonight when it was posted on a facebook page.

The thing is, for my entire life I felt I could overcome this.  I felt, rather secretly that I should be able to shake it off, and get over it.  I felt the need to contain the mania, and hide the depression.  I so wish I could have been the one to claim these words, but I will let Stephan Fry have the credit.

I can say, I love the weather analogy as he give it.  It has been told to me before, but the way he said it clicks better.  And, I can relate to so many of these things.  The pain experienced for starters, that story is almost enough right there.  And, I would be afraid to push the button anymore.  What would be left of me if I did it is the only thing I can count on, sad to think that the only think I can plan on is mood swings..lol

What religion means to me.

What religion means to me.

I am often asked what I believe.  Or what religion means to me.  I will never fully be able to understand my own mind.  When you suffer from mood swings from depression to mania and back again, a whole lot more than just mood changes. 

I think it is often overlooked when people talk about depression is the thoughts that come along with it.  Yes, it is obvious that people think about killing themselves when they are depressed.  But how do other things like religion factor in?  In my case, my entire view of life changes from the high to lows.  When I am manic, god is stupid and cannot exist.  But when I am depressed, I almost feel the need to call out for him.    

But that has left me these last few years.  I lost all hope, even in the darkest hour there was once again nothing there.  Nobody offered me comfort, nobody to give me aid in my time of need.    I want to believe in god, I want there to be some mystic purpose to not just my life, but the life of every person ever.  But when I stop and look at what religion has given me, I have to say it isn't worth it. 

I grew up LDS.  I hit some trouble as a teen, as the Bipolar started to show up.  I started to have trouble with the church, primarily because of substance abuse and attendance.  One of the few things I loved as a kid was the scouting program.  It offered me the opportunity to get outdoors, and see Mother Nature.  But, a good church leader felt that if I couldn't go to church, I couldn't be in the scouts.  I am sure he meant well, but it didn't work that way. 

I have stopped, and hope to never blame what I perceive to be as God for what people do.  I will not sit and say, God is to blame for this and that, but I cannot think of many things that people have done because of God that has benefited me.   Natural disasters, I do not think God has anything to do with them.  Stopping a storm from killing someone.. Again, nothing to do with it.  Not getting killed in an Accident, again nothing to do with it… These things are just life. 

But, when my kids talk about church, or friends as about my opinion, or worst when someone says something stupid about how beautiful God is, and how he has saved them.  Well, I call bull shit.  It is a subject that is starting to sting with bitterness and I hate it. 

After getting kicked out of the scouting program, I later meet my First wife.  I have always wanted a large family, and loved the idea of staying married forever.  An eternal marriage, what could be more romantic.  I was on a down mood cycle, and started to dive into church.  I worked graveyard production, and started reading the scriptures at work.  I took the discussions with my wife, and she joined the church.  It wasn’t easy, but I managed to get life on track and go to the Temple.  The mental trouble I made to get there drove me manic.  Again, I did not understand this at the time.

Fast forward a little into the mania, and suddenly I am drinking and not thinking very high of God.  It was mostly the mood swings, as nothing at that time was truly pivotal in my religious development.   But I was lost in an up tell that point undiagnosed mental health issue of Bi-polar.  I had been given anti-depressants in the past, but what I called working at that time was for them to make me manic.  Again, not understanding what is happening. 

 I sat on the phone with my sister one night, and told her how I felt like I had faked going to the temple with my wife, as I didn't understand the mood.  I felt looking back at that point in life that it wasn't me, as my manic mind couldn't understand why I did what I did. 

That conversation, although meaningless at the time turned pivotal in my life.  My X had heard it, and for the rest of our marriage she felt I was not sincere, and this became a huge issue.  At this same time, I was out of control.  I did things that I am not proud of, like trying to drive to Vegas in the middle of the night. 

But in the end, I crashed and turned back to God.  I will forever be grateful that my X stood by me at this time.  I am not sure I would have lived if not for her.  But at the same time, I am turning to God again and being told that my sins would get me a one way trip to hell.  In my mind, I failed a very important religious promise, and I was to be punished.  I was told; if I did things like that again it would be it a one way tip. 

At no time did I ever feel that the church considered mental health on this one.  Tell a crazy depressed person that if they ask for forgiveness, then I must never do those things again.  I am just at this time learning about Bi-polar, and I was scared to death.  This set a pattern for the next decade of me half way trying, based on fear of failure.  This fear, ultimately made me fail. 

This issue, has torn not just the Mormon church apart in my mind, but the whole concept of religion.  I was told, read the scriptures, pray, and go to church and god would heal me.  Again, fear of the failure hobbled me.  I wanted to be what my wife wanted, and failed because I couldn't maintain the mindset. 

Later on in life, I come to another horrible time in life.  I hit a time of depression, but this was different.  I was also developing the symptoms of MS.  Every symptom was blamed on the medications for Bi-polar, and I was told over and over again that I should take more medications to cover the side effects.  But I knew it was different.  I just couldn’t get anyone to listen.  I started to take myself of medications, and started to obsess that my wife didn’t love me.  I made the mistake of telling her that, and pushing for divorce.  I then spent about a year working on a long drawn out scheme to commit suicide.  Still a constant plan and one that I fear may actually take place someday.  A very very real fear….

After she left, this horrible depression made me once again turn to God.  In the first 2 years of our separation, I read the entire bible cover to cover.  I read most of the book of Mormon, and attended church as often as I could.  I was on track to baptize my youngest son, something I wanted to do to prove to myself I could maintain a good life. 

The thing is, this time it lasted a little longer than normal.  It lasted into an up mood swing, and continued for a period of time.  In this time, I actually foolishly felt that I would be able to convince my X to take me back.  I was praying all the time, and for the first time I felt good about my belief in God, and hope for the role that he would play in my life.  I prayed and thanked him, and she was almost taking me back. 

She started to change back to the “I don’t want to talk to you” mood that she has spent most of the time after our separation, and probably the rest of our lives in.  I felt it coming, and I had been praying, and I felt that God was telling me, keep trying you will get it.  Keep praying, and her heart will soften. 

April 18^th, 2012 at about 7:30 at night.  She told me on the phone something to the effect of, I have prayed, and God has told me that I should follow through with the divorce, and she followed it up with, that she had been given great comfort that the kids would be fine. 

It was surreal, and I actually sat down in the middle of my living room.  We talked, and within a few days it was over, and she will never discuss it with me again.  I consider that the day of my divorce, regardless of what the court documents will say. 

But, the idea that I had been praying to, apparently was the same idea that was telling her to leave.  How could both be right?  Was I wrong, was she wrong.  What am I to do?  I asked a religious leader for advice, and he told me that maybe one of us was incorrect in the interpretation of the answers to our prayer.  I maintained that if God told people that the most important thing is family, and marriage, then why he would tell her to leave… well it doesn't make sense.   A bishop told me that maybe we were both right, and that at this time is was just more important for me to continue to go to church, follow through with the divorce, and trust in god.  Didn't help that this killed my entire testimony. 

In the end, I decided that she must have just wanted it, and God had nothing to do with anything.  I also believe the same applied to me.  I wanted something so bad; I felt somehow that a God was helping me. 

I settled on this.  There may be a god.  There may not be a god, but I will live as the best person I can.  I do this now, not for fear of a god, or fear of punishment or promise of reward.  I do this because it is the right thing to do. 

But, how does religion play into this.  I will mention that my oldest will not come over to my house 3 out of 4 times because of church.  He has told me that I will be a son of predation if I fall away from church.  The tension that has created with God is very thick. 

So, from my perspective, the idea of God is nice, and I hold on to that hope that there may be a bigger point.  But Religion, that is a different story all together.  Take the Mormon faith.  It’s rules have kept me in misery for most of my life.  Trying to cope with an illness, and the whole time blaming myself for being week.  This was what every single religion leader has told me.  Pray harder, and things will work out.  I have lost my wife, because she wanted a good Mormon.  I have to be fair, there is more to it than that, but this was a big one.   I have all but lost my first born.  I have been alienated from my whole family; because they choose to believe something that I do not live. 

Bad people don’t go to church.  Shea said this to me a few months after I was told me she had prayed and wanted a divorce.   I never took the argument with him, I let him believe it.  Once again, probably going to lose another loved one to this religion. 

It is bitter and depressing to me to know, that I allow and encourage my kids the freedom to think for themselves.  I tell them, if you go to church because you believe it, then that is a good enough reason to go.  But I will not witness there marriage in the temple.  Again something that the church will take from me.  It is wrong that I secretly hope that they stop going to church, so we would be more like each other, so I can be a larger part of their lives.  I am glad that they have good morals, so far.  I can credit the church for that.

In the end, I hope there is a God, I wish I could explain things in my life with God.  But, Religion has striped me down to nothing.  It has dangled all that I ever wanted in front of my face, just to take it away, all in the name of God.  I hate religion, and what it stands for and what it does.  It has nothing to do with God, it is the people.    I hate what I see.  Sadly, I have not prayed sense that time.  As a manic depressive, I know at some point I probably will get sad, and turn to god again.  It is the cycle, so I cannot say I do not believe, I do.  I just have no love for religion. 

I have struggled with wanting to write this for a long time.  I find it sad, that I keep my opinions on this subject more private, for not wanting argument with people on it.  I sat down a little bit ago, and wrote it start to finish.  It is long, horribly written, but a true capture of my thoughts.  There is so much more I want to say on the subject, but I want to start writing a regular blog discussing things that have been affected by my health.  Coping, and dealing is what it is all about.  

Rules

Rules

One of the many struggles I have had in my life while dealing with Bi-polar is the obsessive thinking and impulse purchasing. 

One of the ways this has reared its ugly head in my life has been cars.  I have bought too many cars in my life and most of those… ok, all of these purchases were not planed, and I either rushed headlong on a crazy scheme, or just showed up at home with a new car.   

It fills me with great pride that even after three years, and now 60,000 miles I have put more time and miles in this vehicle.  I still walk up to my jeep and think it is sexy.  I love the thing, and just look forward to driving it.  I still do not want any other car. 

But this purchasing has been more than just cars.  I have bought odd things from infomercials, or random food Item.  I can honestly say now, I have not made an impulse buy in years.  This is not a victory, as I have the impulses all the time.  I have just found ways to coup, and ways to deal.    

I have done this by setting parameters and rules for every purchase.  It seems that almost everything I do these days has a set of rules that goes along with it.  For purchase, I have to have planned it.  This is just rule number one.  I will not let myself purchase something at the store that I did not go to the store to get.  If it is $50, I must wait at least a day, longer for more expensive.  It is not stopping it, but it makes it much more focused and manageable.  Rigid following of rules, the secret life of Me.  People think I am just carefree, or unpredictable.  If they only knew how my mind worked. 

The thing I have been learning, a strong mind can go a long ways in dealing with some pretty bad issues.  

My little Kitten

It puzzles me the things that I take to be important, or memorable.  I am feeling the need to write this down, and share it with nobody. 

Autumn had surgery in early December, and it was in and of itself stressful for me.  I felt like I have been pushed aside by my own kids a whole lot this last year, and this was no exception.  It was not overly fun for me, leaving knowing that I would have zero part of this part of her life. 

I have unfortunately had many surgeries and illness in my life.  The separation and divorce from Steph is as far as I am concerned because of my health.  My depression and bipolar is what I consider to be the thing that killed our relationship, and the injuries and illness I suffer have only compounded these problems. 

Because of this, I have more than anything just wanted to support my kids as they have suffered from what they have suffered.  I have seen them suffer depression, physical pain, torment on the playground.  I smile as there OCD has serviced, as I can so so so relate to those issues. 

But I felt left out when Autumn had surgery.  The first two days I called the house and didn’t get an answer.  After about three days I finally received a text from Autumn as to how she was doing.  It just left me feeling empty and useless as a father. 

I would never take this from either Steph or Autumn, I think there relationship has forever been strengthened because of this, and I will not suffer anything but a little hurt pride.  But with Michayla I felt even worse.  I missed most of her appointments, from my perspective at least.  I felt so left out and UNinvolved that it was depressing.  But I did not wish to try and take from Steph her role as a mother. 

But, and as a joke, I offered Michayla the option of coming to my house for her recovery.  I could not believe she said she wanted to.  In fact I expected her to change her mind up tell the moment I was home.  

While she was here I checked on her every few hours, as I work so close.  I cooked for her, and watered her, and gave her medication.  I checked her for fevers and talked about the need to poop.  I tended to my sick child, and we had fun together.  We sat one night and watched 13 assassins, and I paused the movie a few dozen times to explain the Japanese culture. 

I sat and listened to her laugh herself to tears watching “Robin Hood Men in tights”.  And I watched hours and hours of a cartoon called Johnny Test because she wanted to. 

I had to have a talk with her about my decision to use Marijuana as a medicine, and ask for her support and understanding.  I will not look fondly on that night, as we both cried together while talking about depression, and life in general.  I hate that this child has seen me cry so many times. 

But as I suffer in my life, I chose to pick experiences to cherish to my death.  These small moments that remind you that life is worth it, regardless of the day to day.  And the thing about this whole surgery that I want to remember to my death was a hug I received from Michayla after surgery. 

I was bending over the bed talking to her when the nurses came in and wanted to take a look at her surgery sight.  She was clearly in pain, and I was trying to avert my eyes to offer her some privacy.  She reached over and grabbed my neck to hold on to while she rolled over to her side.  She grabbed me in an effort to support herself, and help with the pain. 

The way she held her hands, and the way she looked, and the way she felt in my arm.. She felt like a small and helpless kitten.  This kitten felt safe with me, and that hug shared all of that with me. 

I have an aversion to touch, and have very little contact with people.  Because of this I have learned to cherish the touch like this as precious.  I never want to forget how I felt as my daughter reached out for me for comfort from the pain and fear she was experiencing. 

This whole experience, I never want to forget the feeling I had during that clinging hug from my precious little girl.  I am proud of both of my daughters getting through this ordeal with their chins up.  They are tough girls, and they will take on the world someday.  I just hope that this divorce does not give them daddy issues…:)

Cheers to me

Today is a good day.  I have not spent too much time writing in the last 6 months to a year, and keep telling myself I want to.  But, not everyone goal is intended to be accomplished as we want them accomplished, some take more time, others are forgotten, and some just never accomplished.

As with wanting to write more, setting a goal to do so, and not accomplishing it, there are other goals that I can say I have accomplished.  For this blog, I refer to my health.

In the last 4 years, I have been in 3 Car accidents.  I have broken my wrist, several fingers (note to self, don’t hit walls or trees), Detached my triceps, broke my back, sprained, and generally hurt all over.    I was diagnosed with, although not officially MS, three side illnesses that are caused by MS.  MS tests have been inconclusive, and I refuse any more…lol.  But, this causes all kinds of dizziness, vertigo, nausea, nerve pain, fatigue, stomach problems, and a crappy overall existence.

On top of the physical pain, there is the mental pain.  In the beginning of all of this, I was going through perhaps the worst depression I have ever faced in my life, and someday I will write and share some of those experiences.   Not to mention all the little depressed episodes sense then… the Joy of bi-polar.  But there are bright sides to it… I think

And right at the plateau of all of this ciaos in my life, my wife and up tell now the love of my life gave up on me… Although, in her defense living with someone going through the above would destroy all but the strongest of people, and I try very hard not to hold it agents her.

But, the significant thing is that I feel better today than I have in years.  And for this blog, I am referring to the physical health, although I feel the same about my mental health, and maybe will share that later.

Tonight, 2-5-13 I ran 1 mile flat out at the gym.

I started 4 years ago tipping the scale at 368 pounds.  My home scale never said that, but the Dr Office did.  Today, I currently am down just shy of 100 pounds sitting at 275.  I did get down to 260 prior to surgery, and will be back down soon.

I started my day out today, sitting on the toilet holding a bucket because I couldn't stand, and wasn't sure If I was going to throw up or not.  The MS, it sucks real bad.  The aches and pains, the surgeries.. But today, I ran 1 mile flat out in less than 10 minutes even though I started it so bad.    Not a big deal to everyone, but it is a monument to me.  The fatigue I experience alone makes walking hard at times… I am more proud of myself today then I was when I was notified of college Graduation.  I will have to celebrate some time when the MS isn't so bad…lol

Cheers to me.