God bless the USA

I am suffering from a case of writer block, and couldn’t think of anything else to write about. So, I figured I would write this.


Three years ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go with her to her interview at The Department of Homeland Security for immigrations. I have heard of the process, I have read about the process, but the opportunity to watch it. That was something I didn’t want to pass up on.


I have gone with her several times to the office to watch the “process” in action. And, well haven’t been all that impressed. It from my prospective has been a huge example of government bureaucracy in process. Massive amounts of simple paperwork taking months, no years to finish.


As an example, 6 months to do a background check. I can get one done in a matter of hours, not months. Complicated paperwork in English, and hard for everyone to understand; let alone people who have English as the second language. 

Today I sat in the audience as “from memory”, 84 people from 22 nations were sworn in as citizens of the United States. During the end of the ceremony, they played the song “proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood. The song can be considered to be over played, but I still love the song. As I look around, over half of the people in an auditorium of about 300, people singing.


There was the man trying to sell a young women sitting close to me a car, a guy sleeping, and a few people talking. But as this song was playing, the room fell completely silent. Silent that is except for the 150 or so people singing along. A few people were crying, but not many. Most were very excited, and happy.


There was a moment that I can only describe a surreal. As Lee Greenwood got to the end and sang “God bless the USA” My arms developed Goosebumps. The hair on my neck and head started to hackle, and the room went completely silent. 

It lasted only a moment, but it happened. I was thinking it was just me, but as I walked out my friend also mentioned that she had Goosebumps during the song. I didn't even ask her, she just stated it. So, that was 2 out of the 300 confirmed that it happened. And from story's I have read from peoples experiencing it, I know more than the two of us felt it.


It was actually a nicely done and rehearsed ceremony.


I am not going to say what it was that I felt. HVAC problems, bad breath from all those people singing.


I have spent a lot of time questioning the existence of God, religion, the afterlife. I do not believe in mere coincidence, or as I joke, random statistical variation. This is another of those things that now need to be on my list of questionable experiences.


I am great full for what I have. I morn for what I have lost. I work for a family that immigrated here to the USA. I employee many people that have immigrated to the USA. I meet people who risked everything just to get here every day. It may not have been a big deal to my friend, and we drug someone else with us that was sick, and in need of sleep. I felt, this should have been shared with family, or even boyfriend. She offered, or I volunteered, to have it shared with me.


I will never experience what these people will, or ever go through anything of the sort. It has been said, that parents live vicariously through their kids. I am grateful for friends that share their personal experiences with me, allowing me to live through them.


Simply put, I love this country. I may not respect its leaders and all of their decisions, but isn’t that one of the reasons this is such a great country. I am proud to be an American, and I do thank god for all that we have. He has blessed this great country, and all of the people in it.


Lee greenwood said it best, and I am sure that is why they play that song. I will not reinvent the wheel; simply listen to the song if you want.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

Is it really an accident?

Is it really an accident?

Well, if I am “cleaning my gun” and it accidentally goes off, and in the process kills a friend, family member, or even my neighbor. I can face manslaughter charges. Depending on circumstance, and training it can be worst. There are actually dozens of stories online about just this, accidental discharge of firearms leading to death.

I was actually reading a story about a person who got 25 years because his gun went off accidentally during a robbery. Apparently shocked him so bad he fell to the floor and was tackled. Unfortunately, the victim didn’t live to see the end of the story.

What I have been thinking about all day is the less know careless acts of what can only be called murder. People do stupid things every day, and when it causes harm, they should be charged… That is unless something stupid I do causes harm. In that case, they should have kept their distance. I am thinking about blogging about my fire place cleaning this evening..

Anyhow, the point of my story. I have been working property management for over a decade now. I have seen many, many really stupid things in my career. Fires, falls, electrocution, suicides, murder, assault… The list can go on.
The first time I witnessed someone cooking on Charcoal in there house truly shocked me. I was called over by the neighbor, and I myself called the fire department. They had burned there ceiling lighting the briquettes. The house was full of smoke, and the family…IE husband and wife, simply couldn’t understand what they had done wrong. Where do you begin? Carbon monoxide, setting the place on fire, smoke inhalation; all things that could kill you.

Well, I rarely listen to the news on the local radio. That is why Al Gore invented the Internet, to listen to the news on pod-casts and read it on graphic and ad intense web pages. But I heard a story this morning about a case of carbon monoxide poisoning in Lynwood. Lynwood is actually the town of one of my apartment complexes. So, as the news story started I just assumed it would be another case of power outage, heater brought in and it gases someone.

As I heard the story, I couldn’t believe it. A family filled the fireplace with charcoal, and didn’t open the damper. There first clue that something was wrong was when the 3 year old fell to the ground after losing conscious. They are probably the type to just kick the kid and say get up you lazy A$#. Anyhow, they ended up calling 911. 3 people taken to the hospital, and the whole building were tested, found to have lethal levels of the gas, and subsequently evacuated well the aired out the place.

If someone had died, would it have been manslaughter. I am familiar with guns. I know how to handle them, and am completely aware that if my carelessness caused to gun to go off, then it is my carelessness. I also am familiar with BBQ’s. I know that fire burns, and fire kills. So, shouldn’t my carelessness get me a equal crime if it is a gun, a BBQ, or even a toaster in the hot tub.

Just my thoughts. Cheers.

Thanksgiving 2010

Well, thanksgiving has come and gone. I would go on and on about how much fun I had, but pictures are more entertainment.

 Michayla sporting a ball cap.  I am beginning to wounder how many she owns, and eventually will have to ask her. 

 This little one, my niece Daniel, is one of my favorite picture opportunity.  From the time I first met her she has always had strange looks, and when she learned to talk something off the wall to say. 

 She was going around telling everyone careful or she will squirt you with her elephant.  It wasn't even a squirt gun. 

 I come from weird blood, I have know this for a long time.  But seriously, only in my family when we realize that we didn't get birthday candles would we systematically go through the house looking for something that would burn like a candle.  Spaghetti noodles didn't work.

 Sean just chilling, waiting his turn at cake.

 Autumn as seen below, got her true crazyness from her mother.  I had nothing to do with it...

 I do not remember what I said, maybe told him it wasn't real pizza or something. 

 There is my balding head in the back.  Joe, Cricket, Devon and I staid up tell little after six talking.  Our, (Joe and Devon not included) kids started waking us up at about 7. 

 This is what we woke up to.  This and right above my head X-box kenect dancing and what not. 

 More evidence of our exhaustion. 

 Good thing we do not drink, Sparkling apple cider was strong enough for us.  I on the other hand sure could have gone for something a little stronger. 

 Or, I guess maybe not. 

 Autumn got a hold of my camera, and I simply love this picture.  Real art is what I call it. 

 Joe is awake.  He just had put the rock he spent 10 min talking to back in the pile.  He wasn't verbally talking to it, but it sure looked like he was trying to communicate.  I can relate, I feel that way allot. 

 My dad, with the best what you looking at look I had seen in a long time.  Maybe cake, maybe turkey...  He was telling everyone that his shirt was made from mole skin. 

 

The game room, and the game players.  Lots of hours were logged playing rock band, and watching movies.  

 

 Michayla getting her first taste of yellow snow.  Well, I hope not. 

 Autumn and a self portrait. 

 Kill, one of the kids, just cannot remember what one. 

 Having fun in the snow.

 When Steph isn't around, and there dad is supervising.  He forgets to tell them that they should not wear pajamas in the snow.  All of my kids were in pajamas, that is with the exception of Michayla, who went out in shorts and a Tshirt, the when she got cold she crabbed her blanket and went out again. 

This was a great picture of the Freddy Kruger and his clown version of herself. 

Death, and Life.

My mother called me this evening to tell me an old family friend had died. My first thought was that it didn't surprise me. She had been sick most of the 30 years I had know her. But then my next reaction was that I felt bad for her two children. It is for selfish reasons, and I am not ashamed to admit that.

My Mom and Dad are now in there 60's. My dad I believe is 68, and my mom something like 65. I really am not sure, but I will say that they are getting up there.

I have lost a few people over the years, but not anyone close to me. The family members that I have lost; aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I have not been very close to. In some cases I hardly knew them. But in all cases, I feel for the survivors. I do not look forward to outliving any of my family. I fear the death of my children, and do not look forward to my parents death.

We all die, and we all have to pay taxes. I have recently really fallen in love with two Latin phrases. And both of them are applicable here. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero, and then the phrase memento mori.

The first can be translated as; seize the day, trust as little as possible in the future. Carpe actually has many translations, like a lot of Latin words. It depends on the context. It is common to be translated as seize, but it also can mean enjoy. In that seance, it can mean, and translated as enjoy the day, as life is temporary.

Memento Mori, it is translated as; remember that you are mortal.

I have been trying to remember to enjoy life, and not dwell on the negative aspect of my past and future. The more I think like this, the more tomorrow doesn't look so dark.

My love of pictures, and the story of one man

Many people who know me, well some of the people that know me best know that there is more love in my life than property management… I am pretty sure that is one relationship that I fell out of love with.

There are two other passions I have. Social Anthropology and Photo Journalism. The idea of spending my life studying other cultures and how they interact with each other. What roll religion plays, and countless other categories would tickle me pink. It would be fun, that is all.

The next one is photo Journalism. To try and capture forever on film the history that is being made every single sec of the day. To capture it and do it well would be… I would love to earn awards for my photos. I am not simply interested in applying for photo contest and winning 50 buck. Or having my photos in people’s houses. I would love to make the cover of Time magazine, or other nation publication.

Anyhow, I remembered a photo I once saw, and decided to look for it. I thought it was a comic photo, and was completely shocked to find that it was an actual photograph. Not just any, but a Pulitzer prize winning photo.

I later found out, that the author had taken many pictures I had seen. Some of them, including his award winner, have affected my life from the moment I saw them.

What saddened me, and made me feel a moment of sadness and loss for a person I had never know his name. His pictures, have affected my life, and I did not know his name. I know that photographers are often un-recognized by the public, but I was shocked to find I had never made the connection.

He committed suicide while suffering depression. His note states that he could no longer stand to see the images in his mind when he tried to sleep. He wrote in previous letters that he was disgusted by what he saw, and the brutality of it. But he believed if he suffered with it then his pictures would reach people, who in return would be able to make the world better. His attempt, to better the lives of the people he took pictures of, knowing that many, if not most of his subjects died.

I can see how he would be depressed, and I can see why. But his life was not a failure. I hope someday that I can have someone say this about me.

Kevin Carter died 6-21-1994
This is the winner, the rest are just good.

Life

Why do I blog? I have told myself for a long time that one of the main reasons is a sort of personal, but public journal of thoughts and feelings. I do not hold many things as valuable, but memories I do. Photographs, letters, written thoughts, and conversations are all things I value. I love that Facebook allows me to keep every post, and tracks my comments. It is a record of my life, and a method of tracking my thoughts. I do not care if they gleam all of this for advertisements, as of yet I have not bought anything from them… well, I cannot say that with all honesty, as I am sure I have.

But my thoughts as of late are rather dark. And I find myself saying, I hate my life. I hate myself, or what is the point of all of this. It only makes it worse when people say to me, why are you depressed? What is wrong with your life? So this is why I hate life.

I am on the eve of divorce with my wife, whom I consider a close friend. I am separated from all of my family including my kids, and most of my friends. I am in a job that is not a good fit for me anymore. I feel the friendships that I once held dear, braking apart right before my eyes. I have mental health issues, labeled as bi-polar for lack of better descriptions of the problem. I have been called ADD, Dyslexic, and many other things. Most of which I have no doubt are true. I have been on anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers now for over half my life. I have done things, many things because of depression that sadden me just to think of. And many things that I find hard to even discuss with myself let alone other people.

I am plagued with boils and cysts over most of my body, many of which can become so painful that I cannot touch them. Yet I am forced to lance them, just to relive the pain. I find myself embarrassed because of them, and only get minor relief from medication that makes me sick. Enough relief to make it worth it.

My leg and hip hurts so bad that I cannot walk without pain. I cannot lie flat, or stand. It is not constant however; it will be fine for a period, and then all of a sudden unbearable. I have a tolerance for pain that I am very proud of. I have no doubt that the amount of pain I am in on a normal day would leave most people on their couch stoned on pain killers, yet I refuse to take them because of fear of addiction.

I have constant dizziness, and nausea caused from nerve problems in my brain. I believe it is MS, yet I do not have visible scars on the brain, so a diagnosis has not been given. This same problem gives me trimmers, which can be so bad that my body convulses and shakes. This also can at times be extremely painful, and is rather inconvenient when you are trying to do pretty much anything.

I have times where my head is in a fog from the dizziness, that I cannot think right, and I find my speech slipping and memory fading. I get so sick to the stomach, that I fear eating on most days. Someone will offer me a cookie at work, or ask me to go to lunch. I almost always turn them down because I know I will become ill. Yet, I am fat. I would like to work out, but my health limits it.

I spent most of my life dreaming of hiking the pacific North West trail. I want to climb MT Saint Helens, and countless other hikes. But, now I cannot walk most days, and fear that I will be using a crutch or in a wheel chair someday.

I love to take pictures. It is one of the arts that I love, but looking through the camera tends to make me dizzy, or give me a headache. Half the time I cannot hold the camera still, making a good picture impossible.

I cannot sleep. If I sleep, it is restless and tormented. I fear sleepwalking, and waking up to hurt someone who is close at hand. I have struck out at people, and live in constant fear of sleep. I am afraid to go to sleep, because I may burn my house down well I am asleep. Or worst, hurt someone I love because of a nightmare.

But, as I always tell people. There are two sides to every coin. I write this, not because I want someone to read it and say, oh poor Ben. I write it so that I have a record of this moment in my life.

I may speck publicly of the negative aspects of my life. People tend to think I am obsessed with death; well they may not be far off on that one. But there are still reasons for me to live. I still find enjoyment in life; I just need to spend more time talking about it.

I find it harder to take pictures, but I love that I can find beauty in all that I see. Today, I was thankful that there was a 3 car accident, making my trip home very slow. The reason, off over the river the moon, almost full, was rising over the mountains. It was gorgeous. And I was listing to a book, so I had time to sit and watch the moon, and listen to my book. I love the moon and stars. I love to see the planets, and to watch them circle the sky. I love the romance of the night sky, and the moments of wishing on the first star. Yes, I do that. I love to see shooting stars, and to watch satellites blink their way across the sky.

I cannot say all of the things that I find to be of beauty. Animals, people, city skylines and the mountains. I love it when someone walks in from the outdoors, and they bring with them the crisp smell of ozone. A women and kids walked into my office today, and with them came the smell. It made me miss hugging my wife and smelling it in her hair, or putting my arms around one of my kids when they have been outside. It is one of my favorite smells.

Flowers of all kinds. I love the color, and the smells. The bees and insects flying around them. Watching them grow, and die with the seasons. The colors of fall and spring.

I marvel at the discoveries of man. The iPod, computers, and internet and the science that we have. This, and the un-taped potential of our existents excites me. I am sick, but I have photos of my own brain. I have pictures of my heart, and spine. I can get on my computer, and look up almost any subject. I have spent hours reading about phi, and I haven’t had to go to a library.

Someone says a word in a different language, and I can look it up instantly on my cell phone to see what it means. We have a Black president. People can openly be gay, and marry outside their race. Yes, it is not a perfect world, but the potential excites me. I marvel at the possibilities of God, and the theory of evolution. I marvel that one of the greatest minds of our time, and the most outspoken person for the Big bang theory cannot even speak, let alone move unaided.

I look forward to seeing my kids growing up. I want to laugh with them, cry with them, and be with them. Hearing my 9 year old tell me about having a crush on a girl, and watching my 14 year old blush at the mention of girls. Hearing my daughters giggle like school girls. The way Autumn say Hi on the phone makes me smile. Thinking them exploring the world, and having all of their firsts. First date, first kiss and so on.

I look forward to the fact that I am only 32, and I will see grand kids. I look forward to being jealous that Steph finds a new man, and that she will be jealous of me finding a woman.

Now that I think about it, I am looking forward to when Microsoft can get word to correct my spelling for me. Or maybe when a text to speech program can actually understand my voice.

I'm so low that I wish I was dead
With a knife in my chest and a bullet in my head
I'm so low that I wish I was dead
Must I go on?

I have had this song in my head a lot. It isn’t about death; it isn’t about suicide or wanting to die. It is about pain, and overcoming it. It is about the confusion of sadness, drawing you into wanting to give up, but getting over it. I just watched the music video; they had digital SLR cameras in it. That is another thing that I love about life, digital cameras.

I sat down about an hour ago to write some thoughts, and to record some memories. 1700 words later, and I lay the pen down and draw this night to a close. It is almost 4:00, and I will need to sleep some time.

Oh, and I had a dream that there was a giant frog, and in the background was a deer. The frog was jumping around, and I was just watching it. The deer was in the background just eating in a large green field. I like both animals, but I haven’t decided what my subconscious means when it shows me a giant frog. I wish he would just speck to me some times, this whole creeping around in the back of my mind crap gets old.

Who Needs Sleep

It is a weird sensation to suffer from severe depression, and hate sleeping. As anyone who has been depressed would know, people who are depressed tend to want to sleep or lie around and do nothing. That is one of the main signs of depression, but not the only. Well, I myself have suffered from depression most of my life, but have an aversions to sleep. Ironically this makes depression and my general outlook on life worst. Sleep deprivation is not healthy, period. I believe, without medication, I sleep 4 hours a night. Some nights more, and some nights less. 

I suffer from anxiety that keeps me from falling asleep, or relaxing enough to fall asleep. And then nightmares that wake me up. The nightmares are part of the reason I have anxiety, but not the only one. 

The purpose of the story is not to tell of my nightmares, but to share some of the other things that I find funny about the way I sleep. I sleep at a level that is very close to conscious, so when I am dreaming it is very common for me to speck, act out, and involve the world around me in my dream, or nightmare. 

Recently Autumn was staying the night at my house. I was in my recliner and was just falling into a medicated sleep. She hadn’t even fallen asleep yet, when I started making noises, and then I did a back flip out of my recliner onto the ground behind me. Remember that I am a large person, 6 foot tall almost 300 pounds. She also remembers a time a few years ago when I hit her hard enough to knock her to the ground when she was waking me up. I will leave what the dreams were about out of it, just not what you want your kids to remember you for. 

And now, to my recent shenanigans, and no I do not have shame, so I am not embarrassed to share these experiences. They are just experiences. 

I had gone to bed in my bedroom. And then this…..

I am tired, and I hear the beeping sound. I think to myself, “Darn it, I forgot to turn of the alarm on my cell phone”. But I didn’t care; it only goes off for about 30 seconds. But it was still going off. In the matter of what seemed like several minutes, but in reality was just a couple of seconds, what can almost like the fog parting in the field and you are just starting to see the other side. 

It starts out as shapes, and slowly forms into the trees and bushes, but sometimes if you’re not looking you will miss the trees as the fog comes back in. This is an experience I often have as I am waking up. Reality is the other side, and the fog of sleep keeps reality just out of focus, or in some cases completely out of sight. But the sun will come up and burn the fog off, eventually. 

Well, I am staring into the fog, thinking about my darned cell phone alarm and why it is still going off. The first thing that started to take focus was the fact that I was cold. I should be warm and cozy in my bed. Second thought was that I was sitting up, and not lying down. These two thoughts are both accruing at about the same second that I remember that my cell phone doesn’t been, but plays a song. You would have thought that was obvious, but it wasn’t. 

I haven’t opened my eyes yet; after all I was supposed to be in a medicated sleep that I do not wake up from. And almost at the same second I jumped out of the recliner I realized it was the smoke alarms in my house going off. At that second the sun broke the clouds and burned all the fog of sleep away. 

I got about 2 steps as I was thinking what could be on fire, and I had a clear vision of Top Roman in a pan… I knew what had happened.
I got into the kitchen and the fire had burned out. And all that was left was smoldering noodles. Well, it didn’t even look like noodles it was just black soot. There was a few things that were odd. One, I had turned ever light on in the house. I mean every single light. I never have the lights on, and always use just one lamp at night.
I also didn’t even really know that I had Roman Noodle in the house. I would have had to really look for it. I also had to dig a pan out of the cupboard, because I didn’t use the deep pan on the stove, I got the frying pan out of the cupboard. I also mixed the flavor with the water, something I never do. 

So, to make this way long story shorter, I had to paint one wall. I scrubbed the cupboards, and dust the house. I also ran an ozone machine in my house for two days. 

And, I did everything in my sleep. I can see it now. I suppose I will have to have this as a disclaimer before anyone ever stays the night at my house. Or, I could just chain myself to my bed…

need more info

A long time ago, in a land that resides in my distant memories, a mentor told me. “My advice to you is never talk about Sex, Politics, or religion”. This was also when I was pre-sex. So I asked him, how are you supposed to have sex with a girl if you do not talk about it. He then told me, “When you figure that out then you’re ready to have sex”. I couldn’t tell you why a conversation that I had with someone almost 20 years ago just arrived unannounced into my head while I was driving down the road today, but it arrived. And not only did it arrive, but it has taking up logging in my main thoughts.

The problem is, those are the best things to talk about, well most of the time. But the advice always comes back to me. Family meetings in my family can get brutal. We do not normally breach the sex subject, but we do discuss the Politics and Religion. And that can be huge since we all have our own specific opinions.
There are 8 of us, and when you add our spouses, those of us that have them anyhow. In the case with Steph and I, we do not agree on those subjects between us. Then you get the whole family together, and it can be explosive. But at the same time, they can be interesting, and educational. It is just perspective and open-mindedness to the others perspective.

I love a discussion based on the facts. It doesn’t matter on my view, it is the facts I love. As lots of people know, I tend to lean left. I am simi religious, primarily spiritual in my own way. I have had many, many encounters with the police department, and like the members of the armed forces, I thanks you for what you do. Even the Officers that have arrested me, and ticketed me, and given me a bunch of crap, I generally can stand up and say, They are doing their job, and did a good job at it. But I am able to draw a line. Just because they are a police officer, or a US marine, that does not mean there is any reason there should be special treatment to them when something questionable happens. If people, and by that I mean internal affairs, or an indictment given by the people, then that person needs to be punished.

IF a police officer shoots someone from almost 12 feet away because he didn’t immediately turn around and drop a 3” pocket knife. I believe that is murder. His life was not in immediate danger.

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Man-shot-downtown-Seattle-101838868.html

The knife was legal, the man was a known to widdle, homeless, hard of hearing, and native American.

And about 12 feet away…. I have a hard time blindly supporting this officer.

Adenture in TV land

There are many people that have heard the somewhat humorous story of my stunt as a TV repair man.  But I have decided to write it down, just to practice writing. 

I bought this TV from Arcadia, whom is a previous employee of mine.  She needed some help moving, and I needed…OK, I wanted a big screen TV.  She had the TV, I found the money.  I was going to by a gun or liposuction, but the TV was good.  It is a 65” projection TV.  HD, 1080i, and did I say 65”… Freaking huge. 

Well, It has been saying every time we turn it on that as the screen warms up is reads in a little box at the bottom of the screen

“if you change the Lamp, you see better image”

Just an example of a global economy if you ask me, but then maybe they put it like that to annoy people like me. 

Well, Autumn and I were watching “total recall” and it was getting pretty dark.  I didn’t really know how dark until I tried to play my video game, and couldn’t read anything.  Darned annoying when your only real source of entertainment is, well I guess simply burnt out.  I used that thing to play Xbox, the Tivo, play DVD’s, and even music.  I have it on when I work out, well when I am able to work out.  Working on blogs, my book, or just cleaning the house. 

Well, my adventure begins one Tuesday afternoon, late in the month of July.  I decided to stop at best buy to see if they have the bulb… Well, they didn’t have it, but they were happy to order it for almost $300.  I then went to a TV repair store, and they said $170.  I was talking with the guy there and I asked him how hard it was to replace the bulb.  He looked at his computer screen, and said pretty easy, shouldn’t take more than 15 min for you to do it. 

Well, I got home and used this new thing I recently heard about.  Google.  In fact there is a cultural phrase called goggling it.  Anyhow, I found this $300 bulb for about $45.  I ordered it on the spot.  I mean, I could be watching TV again by the end of the week, instead of using the computer without watching TV. 

The next day I get a call.  There company has flagged my card for fraud.  It was an Amazon subsidy, and apparently they decided that I hadn’t used that card before, so it was fraud.  Took me 45 min to straighten that up, and in return for my tolerance they offered to express ship it to me. 

The next night I left my computer at work, because I had a meeting and didn’t want to leave it in the jeep.  After my meeting I got home, and there it was.  I had completely forgotten about it, but it was sitting on my front door.  I was thinking I was going to be completely board, as I left my computer at work, and didn’t have a TV.  So, I decided to change the bulb and watch a movie, or play video games, or heck, South Park sounded good. 

I opened the box, and included was a one page set of instructions, in only English.  I thought that was odd, considering the world of today.  Anyhow, the instructions also had a photo of the back of the TV.  It looked easy, so I grabbed my screw driver, and went to the TV.  I hold up the instruction and determine that I should open the right hand side of the TV.  Got on my knees, and then determined it would be easier if I turned the TV around. 

Well, long story not so long, I got into it 47 screws, took out everything I could find, and still couldn’t find a light bulb.  I looked into this little box, mind a box that was inside a box that was on a large circuit board inside a 65” tv…. I looked in this box and saw what looked like the top of a light bulb.  So, I stuck my screw driver in and ZAAAP… I was hit with a low amp high volt charge that literally knocked me on my butt.  My left arm is tingling as I am sitting on the ground looking at this TV.

From my new perspective I could see the bottom of the TV on the side I didn’t open.  There is a 1/2” by 1” sticker that says “lamp Housing” it also included arrows that pointed at the screws to take out.  See, when I turned the TV around I didn’t change the side of the TV that I was going to open.  And for some reason I just kept taking it apart, obsessive focus is what it was. 

Well, I put it all back together.  Turned it around, and plugged it in.  I had the remote in my hand and ….pause.

What if I put it together wrong.  What if all those wires touched in the wrong place.  What if it caught fire…

Well, I went into the kitchen and grabbed the fire extinguisher, then turned it on.  To my complete and udder amazement it worked.  Not only did it work, but it continued to work.  I watched TV for a couple hours starting at 1:00 in the morning.  I sat in my recliner for two hours holding a fire extinguisher. 

So, I learned two things.  If it says danger risk of shock, do not stick a screw driver in it.  And second, if the instructions say 4 screws, you should question if you are doing it right after 5 screws, not 50. 

My Stereo

I haven't laughed so hard in a while, and what was so funny…. Reading the instruction manual for my car stereo.

This is a cheap touch screen stereo that plays video, and works the Ipod. It was basically free, and is better than the stock stereo. The cover says Nitro, only from the mind of a German.

1. Pls ask professional to clean laser, this will bring you some inconvenience.
   
2. Playing disk for long time or at high volume level will influence the life of the unit. To protect the unit pls work with radio, middle level volume during long time use.
   
3. This unit is set up by precision parts, Pls do not open the unit or handle inside parts by yourself.
   
4. To ovoid accident caused by scatterbrain, driver should not operate this unit or watch screen. If needed, Pls park the car in safe play before operating.
   
5. Note: We keep improving this product, if there is any change, forgive us do not announce.
   

The whole thing is a knee slapper, but I do not feel much like typing it.

Fathers Day...Well, maybe just a sunny weekend.

I woke up this morning with one real plan in mind, to go grocery shopping. However, Autumn and I decided to go to a lake. We originally thought Baker Lake at Mount Baker, but went a little further.

The day or so before my truck caught fire, I was making a plan to go on Father’s day up to the mountains and take a drive. Well, I did that drive today. I took a bunch of photos, and got home from shopping at about 1:30 in the morning.

I ended up at Ross Lake, and then came back. I took a few trips off the road for some sightseeing. Listened to a lot of music, and spent time with my daughter.
First thing this morning I tried to trim my beard. When Steph moved she took the hair cutter, and I needed to get a beard trimmer to clip my beard. I hate shaving, but hate having my beard long more. Anyhow, I thought I had it set right, and went right up the middle of my chin…. Woops, apparently set wrong. I had to shave my beard all the way off because I wasn’t paying attention. Oh well, it looks good.

Spending the weekend with Autumn has reminded me on how much I miss my other kids. I would do almost anything to have the rest of them with me, but unfortunately that is out of my control, and I will have to make do with the time I have when I get it.

Anyhow, the trip was a lot of fun. First stop was the gas station, and I had to get some caffeine, woops, I mean Gas. I talked autumn into a bear claw for the first time. She liked them I think.. I liked mine, considering I am on a low sugar thing. So, after gassing up, juicing up, and eating up. We left on our journey.
The drive out was very uneventful. But we were kind of hungry. I guess a bear claw wasn’t enough to fill us up. So, on many trips out there I have seen the signs for “World famous Buffalo Burger”

I had a Buffalo burger, Autumn had a Sunday. I must say, world famous may be an exaggeration when it comes to food. But the ambiance was nice.

As I was driving up the road, I decided to start taking some of the side gravel roads to see where they went, after all I was driving a Jeep.  Your suppose to leave the pavement behind.

The first thing we found was some power line roads.  Autumn said that she had a life long dream of touching one of the towers, so who was I to say no.

I then decided to play around and get some more Artistic shots.  Just having fun and all.









She couldn't resist touching the sign.  I cannot bl-aim her, I climbed up to touch it also.  

We could here a river, so we went looking for it.  What person could resist not climbing through a 30 foot culvert.

Well, we found the river.  It was actually a set of watter falls, and was allot of fun to walk out to and explore.

I was playing with the settings on my camera, and forgot to turn the light meter back down.  So the next group are rather bright, but fun none the less.

and then it was horrible, Autumn got hit by the train....

The rest of the trip was just driving, talking, and looking at the scenery.  I took allot of pictures, and here are just a few.  It was a gorgeous trip into one of my favorite areas. 

Memories are made of these.

Melodies And Memories

Chris Ledoux

Ain't it funny how an ole song can take you back in time,
Bring back the memories you thought you left behind.

For whatever reason, memories have been flooding my mind lately. Maybe it is a case of nostalgia, or maybe my depression. But the fact is that I have been spending a lot of time with my thoughts and memories over the last few weeks. I have been listening to music that I haven't listened to for a long time, and "reminiscing" about the past.

I have an exceptional memory. Well, I think so anyway. What I find interesting is what may trigger a particular memory. Music, smells, something you see. The list is never ending.

We have a dog, and have for about a year now, I have stepped in dog poo a few times now that we have a dog, but it is funny, I do not fear it. I suppose I should explain. When I was 5 years old my family owned a huge sheep dog named Jake. That stupid dog would leave diner plate sized pile around the house. Well, when I was five they were huge… Anyhow, the dog jumped on me and I fell over backwards. Dog poop squirted out from both of my sides, and then when I stood up the entire thing stuck to my shirt. Probably weighed 10 pounds. I ran into the house crying like a baby, scared and covered in literal shit. The reaction of my family was simply, ohh gross get outside. I was crying, and my mom made me go outside, take the shirt off, and then she housed me off with the garden hose. Needless to say, a horrible memory. So it is my opinion that I have PTS with dog shit. When I smell it, when I see it, I remember that day, 25 years ago in the old house…

People go on and on about their first kiss. Yes, I remember mine. It was an amazing experience. Fireworks were going off all over the place. It didn't hurt that it was the 4^th of July holiday. So I remember the first kiss because of a federal holiday, but I cannot tell you when I went all the way. Apparently there wasn't a federal holiday on that one.

So when I see a White tail deer, I do not remember hunting, or get a craving for venison. I remember my Honey Moon. I went to a friend's cabin and the deer were so tamed I walked up to one, grabbed its head, and planted a kiss on its nose. So the other day I was reading an article about anti deer devices for your car, because White tail deer kill more people in the US than any other animal. I found my mind wondering to my honey mood. White tail deer make me think of getting married. Such beautiful creatures, so graceful and elegant. But like a marriage, people forget how much property damage and death such a seemingly harmless and beautiful thing can cause. Think about your garden in the country… Darn pests is what they are…

Music is a huge memory trigger for me. I can remember the first time I heard many, many songs for the first time. So listening to music is like a walk in memory lane. There are songs I cannot listen to because I first heard them during a bad part of life. Or, songs that always bring a smile to my face because of association. The song I started this blog out with is from the album I was listening to when I rolled my car. And when I was sitting on the side of the freeway after my motorcycle accident I was listening to "Film Noir" Gaslight anthem. I cannot listen to Keane because of what was happening in my life when they came out.

So, one day when I was a kid my brother was sitting there, and he asked the neighbor kid "What is that, is that a rubber band". Joe was about 5 or 6, and the neighbor was free balling. Josh looked down and said what, this is my Penis… Well, I have a hard time not laughing to myself about that one when I start looking for a rubber band. And then as strange associations go, this also makes me thing of plums, and I pounder if indeed that plum that my brother and I fed to Jay, Joshes brother, had an effect on the kid. He later cut some guys head off or something. So, I have to ask myself, did the bulling start him down that road…. I doubt it though, there dad would stand in their back yard for hours with his double barrel waiting for a gofer to pop up. I mean stand there for hours completely still. In all the years, I cannot remember having a conversation with their dad, he was a little weird.

Bill O'Reilly reminds me of 9-11. Cannot even stand to hear his voice because of the association I have with it. Not to mention that as I have grown older I have also developed opinions that are almost guaranteed to be the opposite of his.

Lilac is my favorite smell. We had a tree outside my bedroom window growing up, and I associate the smell with all the good things of growing up. Well, both of the good things. I have always loved the smell.

I do not like the smell of Bacon. One camping trip I ate bacon, and got sick. I still like it, but the smell reminds me of that fateful day in the portable toilet crapping out bacon smelling shit. Not pleasant….. I can remember the little tiny chunks leaving my body. I remember wondering if they were bacon or not. It took a few years before I was able to eat the stuff again.

Well, long winded I guess. Just sharing some memories.

A suicide

My first employee committed suicide. At least I think it was a suicide. It is suspicious, it could have been murder.

My new personal assistant, Igor, is dead. Oh, and Igor was a fish. Well he still is a fish, but just a dried up one.

He went missing a few days ago and I have been worried. I allowed for a few days, thinking all employees need the typical 3 days before you fire them. So today I went looking. At first I thought that he swam into the filter tube, so I had it shut off thinking he would come out when he was ready. But today I drained the tank, and went looking.

I was shocked when he wasn't in the tank. I then moved my desk and looked around for him. I finally found him stuck to aerial photograph of a Seattle property.

Now the thing is that it is hard to believe that this is a suicide. There is a small hole on the top of the tank that a fish could fit through, but it was on the wrong side.

In order for him to end up where he did he would have to jump three inches up, through a small hole that is about the size of Igor, land on my desk, flip around the tank to the opposite side of my tank, fall off the side, but stop halfway to the ground and get stuck to a photo…. Very suspicious if you ask me. I think that someone is mad about being passed up for promotion by a fish. Maybe it is a revenge agents me and someone else did it.

So, I am suspicious of all my employees right now. Am I working with a murderer? Is my life at risk? Who did this horrible thing?

Igor

I went to Wall mart today and bought a fish. Well two. An old employee moved out and left a new plastic fish tank in her apartment, and I decided I wanted to have one at my desk. So, I bought two after setting the tank up.

I was thinking, what will I call said fish. I bought one of those sucker fish (placotomous) or something like that. And I bought a pretty something. I decided that the pretty fish would be called Igor. I would make said fish my official personal assistant. So, I know wall mart should be a place to ovoid, but there isn't a close pet store.

Well, I found this guy in the department, but he said it would be a few moments to get the fish out for me. I had something else I was after, so I said I would be right back. After 5 or so minets I came back. He had caught both fish, put them in a bag, and then double bagged it to keep it from leaking. He handed the bag to me, I looked at it, and then I asked…With humor, Don't fish need water?

He looked at me like I was crazy, and then took the bag, and angrily cut it, put the fish in a new bag, and then added water…

 

Maybe this person would be better off greeting the people at the door…

 

Oh well.

My story of cars

I have driven many cars. I had a 58 ford pickup. Loved it, and crashed it.

I had a Dotson 510, Ford Escort, Windstar, 2 different rangers, an Explorer, Chevy S10, Jeep Cherokee, and Wrangler. I even had a Honda Shadow. Right now my wife is driving a Voyager, and me a Ford Ranger.

My problem is, that I do not "want" my ranger. It is practical, for work and hauling stuff at home, but not fun. I Loved my motorcycle, and even my Jeep. And look forward to getting each one again.

But the other thing is, I am not overly a social person. I mean, I like people, say hi, but that is close to the end. In fact face book is a strange thing, as I can be somewhat social, but not really social at all.

The thing I have always been irritated with is the social click that you enter when you own a Motorcycle or Jeep. In both vehicles people wave when they pass in a similar vehicle. When I first got my jeep, I though… Do I know that person, but soon figured out that it was just something people do. Same thing with the motorcycle, but I was prepared for it when I got that.

I think it would be more fun to drive a VW Bug. Instead of everyone waiving at you, you can look around at all the people hitting each other in their cars. I think that would be a whole lot more fun.

I was Jealous of all the people today that I saw ridding. I would have loved to be out there on the road, and I am sure I would even have waived at least once…

It’s is a crying shame

Let's say, just for fun, that you want something more than anything. Maybe it is a new camera. I can relate to that one. I remember when that Canon 20D came out. I couldn't stop thinking about the thing. I read everything I could find on it. I memorized every feature of the camera, even the things that I had no idea what they meant, just wanted to sound like I knew what I was talking about when I carried on about it to people that didn't care in the first place.

Well, I got the camera and still love it. It has proven to be a great investment in my time, and has produced some amazing photos. I mean, if I didn't have that camera I couldn't take a picture.

Now I want a new motorcycle. My last one got rubbed out on the freeway.

I also want a new Jeep.

But the real problem, I saw something the other day that has left me stunned. I think I may have a problem. Obsessing over cars, cameras, computer gadgets, is normal for me. But now it has moved into a whole new category…. Life.

I have for the longest time figured that worldly possessions would make me happy. I mean, the rest of life kind of sucks, so I figured tell I died I would just by things that interested me.

The problem now is that life has caught my interest. There is this image burned into my mind, and image of a happy moment in time, and I look for it, long for it. Can I have it, I most of the time doubt it. In fact, I have very little real hope for it, but I will chase it none the less.

So are things probably unattainable meant to be chased after? I hope so, because if not, I am really wasting my time.

Where do dogs come from?

So, my dog wondered off in the middle of the afternoon, and hasn't come back. It is believed that he may be dead, but there is hope that we will find him.

The funny part is that my kids are…. Well I guess there my kids. Half of them said, oh that's too bad, can we get another. And the ones that cried apparently are over him and ready to get another.

So Shea, my youngest just had a conversation with me on the phone. I have been worried, can I say paranoid that the kids would blame me for this. But apparently they are OK with it. So Shea gets on the phone, and at 5 says, "Dad, were do the dog stores get the dogs that they sell".

Never one to miss an opportunity to educate my kids, I say. "Well Shea, there are people that drive along the street looking for youg dogs, and then they kidnap them and sell them on the black market as slaves".

Shea says "What???"

So, over his head, so I change gears.

"well Shea, when a mommy dog and a daddy dog have baby dogs, then the baby dog needs a home. And that is where they get dogs from"

Shea says "So is scoutty a daddy dog"

I continue to say, "Well Scout is not a daddy dog, because some times dogs…… Scouty is a grandpa dog, and sometimes grandpa dogs need a home to"

Figured, 5 is to early to talk about castration, animal breeding, and I just said, can I talk to your mom…

 

 

Where would you go.

I wrote this almost 3 months ago. I love to write, but really am not all that good at it. So, I often write something and delete it before some poor sap comes along and reads what I wrote. Kind of daft, but it works. This is one I saved, and over the last few days I have felt the need to post it. I edited, to add some things not in the original, but here it is.

 

Hope, which is what this, is about. Hope, the greatest gift given to mankind… or evolved trait…. Depends on how you float on that boat.

 

So, My unpublished blog….. Sorry Steph

 

I have read many places that as high as 80% of missing adults are people who do not want to be found. Today I read that it was 70%, and who really know what the real number is, because well, you cannot find the people to ask them.

 

I have met my uncle one, maybe two times. I refer to my mom's brother Frank. My uncle served in the, I believe Vietnam War. When he returned he was "different" as I have heard it described, and I know that this happened to a lot of people of that era. He had one kid, but I cannot remember ever meeting him.

 

When my Grandfather died, I meet my uncle for a total of 5 minutes, and he disappeared. Before that, well there are photos.

 

He has been a drifter, and very little contact has been made with him by my family. But recently my Grandmother died. During that fiscal he made contact with my mom. I can only think that the conversation when like this…

Frank "So Kippy, how you been for the last 15 years"

Kippy "Well, I have 4 of my kids…. Yes I had 6, you remember them, oh you don't, well I had 6, and 4 of them have kids, 5 are married…."

And after a moment of embarrassed silence, "so how is my sister Ann?"

Another uncomfortable silence, "Frank, Ann died 9 years ago."

A moment of silence followed up by, "We told your Son Bobbie, he said he would tell you"

Franks says "he didn't"

"Oh so, well how is Bobbie" my mom could say

"He got married, and had two kids" and then a uncomfortable pause, followed by a clearing of the throat that only 40 years of smoking and drinking can provide "but she divorced him when she caught him rapping there young daughter"

"OHH, aaa, I," Talk about a uncomfortable situation.

"they put him in jail" frank could say, and then they could go on about life.

The thing is this, that would be a very bad conversation to have after 10 or more years of not talking to your brother. But lately, I have had the thought that maybe I should take after my mom's brother. You know, just walk off one day and call back in say, 10 or 15 years.

I can see it now..

Me "Steph, this is Ben"

Steph "……."

"Are you there?"

Steph"………"

"I am sorry. I just couldn't take life anymore"

Steph "I was forced to raise all of the kids by myself. Your kids hate you; they talk of you as a loser, and a quitter." Taking a breath for anger control "Sean is in jail, he got involved with a bad group when you left", and with tears "Cody was killed by a drunk driver"…..

You see where it would go. I suppose it could all be fine. Steph could say they are all happy, married, and successful. That she found the most wonderful replacement, and she couldn't have been happier. She could even say, do not try and call them, leave us alone, we are better off with you gone. Same scenario could be if I divorced, or even stay here and try and be a good co-parent with my wife.

But let me say, Warmer climates, small cardboard sign saying "starving, need help" sounds fun. I think at almost 300 pounds I should invest just a little more thought to my sign then saying I am starving, but you get the idea.

But, every day I sit down, generally with this computer on my lap, and think that tomorrow will be better. Some people could read this and say, Ben, you are depressed. I say this, "No shit Sherlock"

Some of you may actually think I am serious, and am humoring the idea of just walking off, "and to you guys, fuck off, what do you take me for"

The truth, I struggle. My health, my pains, and my well I will just life, it tends to drag me down some days. I am upset that my wife thinks I am mean, and an ass hole. Did I say selfish. She told me tonight that she would not want our kids to turn out like me. And I cannot help but be stung by that. I am not that bad, am I? She says my brother and I are jerks, and friendless. And people do not like us. I think she even called me a tyrant, but I could be wrong.

I can say this, I do am not enjoying my life right now. But, I think it is temporary, like life itself. Here is to tomorrow, you know, the one that never seems to actually get here. I can just say, I am glad that I am not forced to do anything. I am not forced to stay married. I am not forced to stay faithful to my wife. I am not forced to go to work every day. I am not forced even to live. So everything I do is, quite simply my choice. And you know what, when I look at it that way, I find peace in the craziness of my life. It is simply my choice, and when I decide to do something different, I will.

Simply put, here is to tomorrow, a better day. It is nice actually looking forward to the day, looking forward to something nice.

I have been saying this lot lately, but it truly is something I believe in. God, IF he is real, gave mankind lots of gifts. There are people that talk about the atonement. There are people that talk about free agency. Some talk about the good it brings them in their life to just go to church. But Hope is the single most important and astonishing gift given to mankind. If we did evolve, then that was a good trait, vital to survival and all. Hope, it makes the guy ask the girl on a date. Hope, it makes you look for a job. It makes you want to have children, and take a car trip. It makes you do everything, because without it, well, I think that life would have stopped a long time ago. So,"… hope, the greatest of all treasures" TP

 

 

Bad spelling

I am taking an online class, and have been going to online school for many years. Actually, this is my last quarter in school.

So, today I had a class mate and my teacher complain about my spelling. Collage may not be the word he was looking for when he complained about my spelling. He meant College lever communication skills.

Every word in my posts and writing is spelled correctly; it is just often the wrong word. Close spelling, just wrong. Like what there to use for example.

So I say to myself, when my 3^rd grade teacher told me that Dyslexia was going to keep me as a manual laborer for the rest of my life, or as she and the principle told my mom that I "will be nothing more than a ditch digger" when I grow up. Well, I do alright. In fact, I do better than most.

I have, in the 7^th grade when I was tested, a 135 IQ. I can dive into conversations with doctors, and make them look up what I am saying.

Last week I was in court, I argued with my lawyer, and the opposing lawyer, and finally the Judge. I won, completely… My lawyer with 20 years experience was shocked that I could get up and quote law better then the two lawyers.

With 0 experiences I have received almost 15 million in property tax deductions for my employer. The person that I replaced has done it for a living for almost 15 years, used to work for the assessor's office, and is "the area expert" He laughed when I started, saying feel free to call him when I was done making a fool of myself.

I remember one time Cody was telling me, "Mommy is smarter than you". I am in no way insulting my wife and her inelegance, I am just telling you of a conversation I had with my son when he was around 12.

So I said, "Why do you think that"

His reply, "she can spell better then you".

So, naturally I had to argue with him. I said, "Why would you think spelling is a measure of inelegance."

I later pointed out that he, and Autumn at 12 and 10, could both spell better than me, and with that logic they were smarter than me.

Cody smiled, and said "yea I know"… Them were fighting words. LOL

Yes people, I cannot spell worth a darn. Some of you that will, or may read this, have seen my hand writing. Keep in mind, I spell really bad, and to top it of, my hand writing skills are worst then most 3^rd graders.

So, in about three months I will have a BS in BA. I average a 3.7 GPA right now, and I still cannot spell worth a darn. F the people that really think that spelling is a measure of the success of the school, success in life, or just plain inelegance.

A great and not so sad; sad loss

There has been a great loss in my life. Well, actually not really a great loss, but a big one none the less.

No, my cousin bob didn't die, but tiny did. Who you ask is Tiny, well I am.

I cannot remember who, and I cannot remember the actual joke, but it goes like this.

Your in prison and 300 pound guy named Tiny comes up to you and says…. Something sick, and profane. The point of this is that when I was told that joke I thought to myself, I am bigger then that 300 pound guy and I would kick his ass.

This time last year, as in January 2009 I was 345 pounds. A lot of people said, no way, maybe 250 at the most, by the way that isn't much better. So, I decided to go on a diet. Well, that isn't the only reason, but seemed like a good one.

So, it has been a long and difficult year. I have tried my best to ovoid the fast food, junk food, and most of all sugar. The biggest was giving up sugar pop and other stuff. And about 3 months ago my car window stopped rolling down, and I haven't bothered to even trouble shoot it to find out why. And the reason, the main reason why is, it makes it easier to ovoid fast food drive through because the window doesn't roll down.

Well, as of this week I am down to 295. I have lost 50 pounds. I am 6 foot tall and was 300 pounds. I mean, that is a cliché I believe. And now, after all of this work, it downs on me that I will not get to refer to myself as 6 foot tall and 300 pounds anymore. Seriously, there is a lot of power behind that. I am not the norm; I was bigger than most, well still am. But I can no longer say 300 pounds. I think I was more attached to that then I would have thought.

So, in 2010 I hope to lose at least another 50 pounds. I am not after a target scale number or anything, but after a comfortable size for me. I will let you know when I find it. But the saddest, greatest loss of all of this. It isn't my waist line, it is the fact that I can no longer say I am 300 pounds. That will be missed. I know, I am a little off center, but I rather enjoyed it. I have lost a major part of my identity, and hope to re find myself at some time in the future. Hopefully in a smaller pair of pants, but I will not be picky.

Good luck on all of your goals my friends, and wish me luck on mine.