What religion means to me.
I am often asked what I believe. Or what religion means to me. I will never fully be able to understand my
own mind. When you suffer from mood swings
from depression to mania and back again, a whole lot more than just mood
changes.
I think it is often overlooked when people talk about depression
is the thoughts that come along with it.
Yes, it is obvious that people think about killing themselves when they
are depressed. But how do other things
like religion factor in? In my case, my
entire view of life changes from the high to lows. When I am manic, god is stupid and cannot exist. But when I am depressed, I almost feel the
need to call out for him.
But that has left me these last few years. I lost all hope, even in the darkest hour
there was once again nothing there.
Nobody offered me comfort, nobody to give me aid in my time of need. I
want to believe in god, I want there to be some mystic purpose to not just my
life, but the life of every person ever.
But when I stop and look at what religion has given me, I have to say it isn't worth it.
I grew up LDS. I hit
some trouble as a teen, as the Bipolar started to show up. I started to have trouble with the church, primarily
because of substance abuse and attendance.
One of the few things I loved as a kid was the scouting program. It offered me the opportunity to get
outdoors, and see Mother Nature. But, a
good church leader felt that if I couldn't go to church, I couldn't be in the
scouts. I am sure he meant well, but it didn't work that way.
I have stopped, and hope to never blame what I perceive to
be as God for what people do. I will not
sit and say, God is to blame for this and that, but I cannot think of many
things that people have done because of God that has benefited me. Natural disasters, I do not think God has
anything to do with them. Stopping a
storm from killing someone.. Again, nothing to do with it. Not getting killed in an Accident, again
nothing to do with it… These things are just life.
But, when my kids talk about church, or friends as about my opinion,
or worst when someone says something stupid about how beautiful God is, and how
he has saved them. Well, I call bull
shit. It is a subject that is starting
to sting with bitterness and I hate it.
After getting kicked out of the scouting program, I later
meet my First wife. I have always wanted
a large family, and loved the idea of staying married forever. An eternal marriage, what could be more
romantic. I was on a down mood cycle,
and started to dive into church. I
worked graveyard production, and started reading the scriptures at work. I took the discussions with my wife, and she
joined the church. It wasn’t easy, but I
managed to get life on track and go to the Temple. The mental trouble I made to get there drove
me manic. Again, I did not understand
this at the time.
Fast forward a little into the mania, and suddenly I am
drinking and not thinking very high of God.
It was mostly the mood swings, as nothing at that time was truly pivotal
in my religious development. But I was
lost in an up tell that point undiagnosed mental health issue of Bi-polar. I had been given anti-depressants in the
past, but what I called working at that time was for them to make me
manic. Again, not understanding what is
happening.
I sat on the phone
with my sister one night, and told her how I felt like I had faked going to the
temple with my wife, as I didn't understand the mood. I felt looking back at that point in life that
it wasn't me, as my manic mind couldn't understand why I did what I did.
That conversation, although meaningless at the time turned pivotal
in my life. My X had heard it, and for
the rest of our marriage she felt I was not sincere, and this became a huge
issue. At this same time, I was out of control. I did things that I am not proud of, like
trying to drive to Vegas in the middle of the night.
But in the end, I crashed and turned back to God. I will forever be grateful that my X stood by
me at this time. I am not sure I would
have lived if not for her. But at the
same time, I am turning to God again and being told that my sins would get me a
one way trip to hell. In my mind, I
failed a very important religious promise, and I was to be punished. I was told; if I did things like that again
it would be it a one way tip.
At no time did I ever feel that the church considered mental
health on this one. Tell a crazy depressed
person that if they ask for forgiveness, then I must never do those things
again. I am just at this time learning
about Bi-polar, and I was scared to death.
This set a pattern for the next decade of me half way trying, based on
fear of failure. This fear, ultimately
made me fail.
This issue, has torn not just the Mormon church apart in my
mind, but the whole concept of religion.
I was told, read the scriptures, pray, and go to church and god would
heal me. Again, fear of the failure
hobbled me. I wanted to be what my wife
wanted, and failed because I couldn't maintain the mindset.
Later on in life, I come to another horrible time in
life. I hit a time of depression, but
this was different. I was also
developing the symptoms of MS. Every
symptom was blamed on the medications for Bi-polar, and I was told over and
over again that I should take more medications to cover the side effects. But I knew it was different. I just couldn’t get anyone to listen. I started to take myself of medications, and
started to obsess that my wife didn’t love me.
I made the mistake of telling her that, and pushing for divorce. I then spent about a year working on a long
drawn out scheme to commit suicide. Still
a constant plan and one that I fear may actually take place someday. A very very real fear….
After she left, this horrible depression made me once again
turn to God. In the first 2 years of our
separation, I read the entire bible cover to cover. I read most of the book of Mormon, and
attended church as often as I could. I
was on track to baptize my youngest son, something I wanted to do to prove to
myself I could maintain a good life.
The thing is, this time it lasted a little longer than
normal. It lasted into an up mood swing,
and continued for a period of time. In
this time, I actually foolishly felt that I would be able to convince my X to
take me back. I was praying all the
time, and for the first time I felt good about my belief in God, and hope for
the role that he would play in my life.
I prayed and thanked him, and she was almost taking me back.
She started to change back to the “I don’t want to talk to
you” mood that she has spent most of the time after our separation, and
probably the rest of our lives in. I
felt it coming, and I had been praying, and I felt that God was telling me,
keep trying you will get it. Keep
praying, and her heart will soften.
April 18th, 2012 at about 7:30 at night. She told me on the phone something to the effect
of, I have prayed, and God has told me that I should follow through with the divorce,
and she followed it up with, that she had been given great comfort that the
kids would be fine.
It was surreal, and I actually sat down in the middle of my
living room. We talked, and within a few
days it was over, and she will never discuss it with me again. I consider that the day of my divorce,
regardless of what the court documents will say.
But, the idea that I had been praying to, apparently was the
same idea that was telling her to leave.
How could both be right? Was I
wrong, was she wrong. What am I to do? I asked a religious leader for advice, and he
told me that maybe one of us was incorrect in the interpretation of the answers
to our prayer. I maintained that if God
told people that the most important thing is family, and marriage, then why he
would tell her to leave… well it doesn't make sense. A bishop told me that maybe we were both
right, and that at this time is was just more important for me to continue to
go to church, follow through with the divorce, and trust in god. Didn't help that this killed my entire testimony.
In the end, I decided that she must have just wanted it, and
God had nothing to do with anything. I
also believe the same applied to me. I
wanted something so bad; I felt somehow that a God was helping me.
I settled on this.
There may be a god. There may not
be a god, but I will live as the best person I can. I do this now, not for fear of a god, or fear
of punishment or promise of reward. I do
this because it is the right thing to do.
But, how does religion play into this. I will mention that my oldest will not come
over to my house 3 out of 4 times because of church. He has told me that I will be a son of predation
if I fall away from church. The tension
that has created with God is very thick.
So, from my perspective, the idea of God is nice, and I hold
on to that hope that there may be a bigger point. But Religion, that is a different story all together. Take the Mormon faith. It’s rules have kept me in misery for most of
my life. Trying to cope with an illness,
and the whole time blaming myself for being week. This was what every single religion leader
has told me. Pray harder, and things
will work out. I have lost my wife,
because she wanted a good Mormon. I have
to be fair, there is more to it than that, but this was a big one. I have
all but lost my first born. I have been alienated
from my whole family; because they choose to believe something that I do not
live.
Bad people don’t go to church. Shea said this to me a few months after I was
told me she had prayed and wanted a divorce.
I never took the argument with him, I let him believe it. Once again, probably going to lose another loved
one to this religion.
It is bitter and depressing to me to know, that I allow and encourage
my kids the freedom to think for themselves.
I tell them, if you go to church because you believe it, then that is a
good enough reason to go. But I will not
witness there marriage in the temple.
Again something that the church will take from me. It is wrong that I secretly hope that they
stop going to church, so we would be more like each other, so I can be a larger
part of their lives. I am glad that they
have good morals, so far. I can credit
the church for that.
In the end, I hope there is a God, I wish I could explain
things in my life with God. But, Religion
has striped me down to nothing. It has
dangled all that I ever wanted in front of my face, just to take it away, all
in the name of God. I hate religion, and
what it stands for and what it does. It
has nothing to do with God, it is the people.
I hate what I see. Sadly, I have not prayed sense that
time. As a manic depressive, I know at
some point I probably will get sad, and turn to god again. It is the cycle, so I cannot say I do not believe,
I do. I just have no love for
religion.
I have struggled with wanting to write this for a long
time. I find it sad, that I keep my
opinions on this subject more private, for not wanting argument with people on
it. I sat down a little bit ago, and
wrote it start to finish. It is long,
horribly written, but a true capture of my thoughts. There is so much more I want to say on the
subject, but I want to start writing a regular blog discussing things that have
been affected by my health. Coping, and
dealing is what it is all about.
