Igor

I went to Wall mart today and bought a fish. Well two. An old employee moved out and left a new plastic fish tank in her apartment, and I decided I wanted to have one at my desk. So, I bought two after setting the tank up.

I was thinking, what will I call said fish. I bought one of those sucker fish (placotomous) or something like that. And I bought a pretty something. I decided that the pretty fish would be called Igor. I would make said fish my official personal assistant. So, I know wall mart should be a place to ovoid, but there isn't a close pet store.

Well, I found this guy in the department, but he said it would be a few moments to get the fish out for me. I had something else I was after, so I said I would be right back. After 5 or so minets I came back. He had caught both fish, put them in a bag, and then double bagged it to keep it from leaking. He handed the bag to me, I looked at it, and then I asked…With humor, Don't fish need water?

He looked at me like I was crazy, and then took the bag, and angrily cut it, put the fish in a new bag, and then added water…

 

Maybe this person would be better off greeting the people at the door…

 

Oh well.

My story of cars

I have driven many cars. I had a 58 ford pickup. Loved it, and crashed it.

I had a Dotson 510, Ford Escort, Windstar, 2 different rangers, an Explorer, Chevy S10, Jeep Cherokee, and Wrangler. I even had a Honda Shadow. Right now my wife is driving a Voyager, and me a Ford Ranger.

My problem is, that I do not "want" my ranger. It is practical, for work and hauling stuff at home, but not fun. I Loved my motorcycle, and even my Jeep. And look forward to getting each one again.

But the other thing is, I am not overly a social person. I mean, I like people, say hi, but that is close to the end. In fact face book is a strange thing, as I can be somewhat social, but not really social at all.

The thing I have always been irritated with is the social click that you enter when you own a Motorcycle or Jeep. In both vehicles people wave when they pass in a similar vehicle. When I first got my jeep, I though… Do I know that person, but soon figured out that it was just something people do. Same thing with the motorcycle, but I was prepared for it when I got that.

I think it would be more fun to drive a VW Bug. Instead of everyone waiving at you, you can look around at all the people hitting each other in their cars. I think that would be a whole lot more fun.

I was Jealous of all the people today that I saw ridding. I would have loved to be out there on the road, and I am sure I would even have waived at least once…

It’s is a crying shame

Let's say, just for fun, that you want something more than anything. Maybe it is a new camera. I can relate to that one. I remember when that Canon 20D came out. I couldn't stop thinking about the thing. I read everything I could find on it. I memorized every feature of the camera, even the things that I had no idea what they meant, just wanted to sound like I knew what I was talking about when I carried on about it to people that didn't care in the first place.

Well, I got the camera and still love it. It has proven to be a great investment in my time, and has produced some amazing photos. I mean, if I didn't have that camera I couldn't take a picture.

Now I want a new motorcycle. My last one got rubbed out on the freeway.

I also want a new Jeep.

But the real problem, I saw something the other day that has left me stunned. I think I may have a problem. Obsessing over cars, cameras, computer gadgets, is normal for me. But now it has moved into a whole new category…. Life.

I have for the longest time figured that worldly possessions would make me happy. I mean, the rest of life kind of sucks, so I figured tell I died I would just by things that interested me.

The problem now is that life has caught my interest. There is this image burned into my mind, and image of a happy moment in time, and I look for it, long for it. Can I have it, I most of the time doubt it. In fact, I have very little real hope for it, but I will chase it none the less.

So are things probably unattainable meant to be chased after? I hope so, because if not, I am really wasting my time.

Where do dogs come from?

So, my dog wondered off in the middle of the afternoon, and hasn't come back. It is believed that he may be dead, but there is hope that we will find him.

The funny part is that my kids are…. Well I guess there my kids. Half of them said, oh that's too bad, can we get another. And the ones that cried apparently are over him and ready to get another.

So Shea, my youngest just had a conversation with me on the phone. I have been worried, can I say paranoid that the kids would blame me for this. But apparently they are OK with it. So Shea gets on the phone, and at 5 says, "Dad, were do the dog stores get the dogs that they sell".

Never one to miss an opportunity to educate my kids, I say. "Well Shea, there are people that drive along the street looking for youg dogs, and then they kidnap them and sell them on the black market as slaves".

Shea says "What???"

So, over his head, so I change gears.

"well Shea, when a mommy dog and a daddy dog have baby dogs, then the baby dog needs a home. And that is where they get dogs from"

Shea says "So is scoutty a daddy dog"

I continue to say, "Well Scout is not a daddy dog, because some times dogs…… Scouty is a grandpa dog, and sometimes grandpa dogs need a home to"

Figured, 5 is to early to talk about castration, animal breeding, and I just said, can I talk to your mom…

 

 

Where would you go.

I wrote this almost 3 months ago. I love to write, but really am not all that good at it. So, I often write something and delete it before some poor sap comes along and reads what I wrote. Kind of daft, but it works. This is one I saved, and over the last few days I have felt the need to post it. I edited, to add some things not in the original, but here it is.

 

Hope, which is what this, is about. Hope, the greatest gift given to mankind… or evolved trait…. Depends on how you float on that boat.

 

So, My unpublished blog….. Sorry Steph

 

I have read many places that as high as 80% of missing adults are people who do not want to be found. Today I read that it was 70%, and who really know what the real number is, because well, you cannot find the people to ask them.

 

I have met my uncle one, maybe two times. I refer to my mom's brother Frank. My uncle served in the, I believe Vietnam War. When he returned he was "different" as I have heard it described, and I know that this happened to a lot of people of that era. He had one kid, but I cannot remember ever meeting him.

 

When my Grandfather died, I meet my uncle for a total of 5 minutes, and he disappeared. Before that, well there are photos.

 

He has been a drifter, and very little contact has been made with him by my family. But recently my Grandmother died. During that fiscal he made contact with my mom. I can only think that the conversation when like this…

Frank "So Kippy, how you been for the last 15 years"

Kippy "Well, I have 4 of my kids…. Yes I had 6, you remember them, oh you don't, well I had 6, and 4 of them have kids, 5 are married…."

And after a moment of embarrassed silence, "so how is my sister Ann?"

Another uncomfortable silence, "Frank, Ann died 9 years ago."

A moment of silence followed up by, "We told your Son Bobbie, he said he would tell you"

Franks says "he didn't"

"Oh so, well how is Bobbie" my mom could say

"He got married, and had two kids" and then a uncomfortable pause, followed by a clearing of the throat that only 40 years of smoking and drinking can provide "but she divorced him when she caught him rapping there young daughter"

"OHH, aaa, I," Talk about a uncomfortable situation.

"they put him in jail" frank could say, and then they could go on about life.

The thing is this, that would be a very bad conversation to have after 10 or more years of not talking to your brother. But lately, I have had the thought that maybe I should take after my mom's brother. You know, just walk off one day and call back in say, 10 or 15 years.

I can see it now..

Me "Steph, this is Ben"

Steph "……."

"Are you there?"

Steph"………"

"I am sorry. I just couldn't take life anymore"

Steph "I was forced to raise all of the kids by myself. Your kids hate you; they talk of you as a loser, and a quitter." Taking a breath for anger control "Sean is in jail, he got involved with a bad group when you left", and with tears "Cody was killed by a drunk driver"…..

You see where it would go. I suppose it could all be fine. Steph could say they are all happy, married, and successful. That she found the most wonderful replacement, and she couldn't have been happier. She could even say, do not try and call them, leave us alone, we are better off with you gone. Same scenario could be if I divorced, or even stay here and try and be a good co-parent with my wife.

But let me say, Warmer climates, small cardboard sign saying "starving, need help" sounds fun. I think at almost 300 pounds I should invest just a little more thought to my sign then saying I am starving, but you get the idea.

But, every day I sit down, generally with this computer on my lap, and think that tomorrow will be better. Some people could read this and say, Ben, you are depressed. I say this, "No shit Sherlock"

Some of you may actually think I am serious, and am humoring the idea of just walking off, "and to you guys, fuck off, what do you take me for"

The truth, I struggle. My health, my pains, and my well I will just life, it tends to drag me down some days. I am upset that my wife thinks I am mean, and an ass hole. Did I say selfish. She told me tonight that she would not want our kids to turn out like me. And I cannot help but be stung by that. I am not that bad, am I? She says my brother and I are jerks, and friendless. And people do not like us. I think she even called me a tyrant, but I could be wrong.

I can say this, I do am not enjoying my life right now. But, I think it is temporary, like life itself. Here is to tomorrow, you know, the one that never seems to actually get here. I can just say, I am glad that I am not forced to do anything. I am not forced to stay married. I am not forced to stay faithful to my wife. I am not forced to go to work every day. I am not forced even to live. So everything I do is, quite simply my choice. And you know what, when I look at it that way, I find peace in the craziness of my life. It is simply my choice, and when I decide to do something different, I will.

Simply put, here is to tomorrow, a better day. It is nice actually looking forward to the day, looking forward to something nice.

I have been saying this lot lately, but it truly is something I believe in. God, IF he is real, gave mankind lots of gifts. There are people that talk about the atonement. There are people that talk about free agency. Some talk about the good it brings them in their life to just go to church. But Hope is the single most important and astonishing gift given to mankind. If we did evolve, then that was a good trait, vital to survival and all. Hope, it makes the guy ask the girl on a date. Hope, it makes you look for a job. It makes you want to have children, and take a car trip. It makes you do everything, because without it, well, I think that life would have stopped a long time ago. So,"… hope, the greatest of all treasures" TP