Where would you go.

I wrote this almost 3 months ago. I love to write, but really am not all that good at it. So, I often write something and delete it before some poor sap comes along and reads what I wrote. Kind of daft, but it works. This is one I saved, and over the last few days I have felt the need to post it. I edited, to add some things not in the original, but here it is.

 

Hope, which is what this, is about. Hope, the greatest gift given to mankind… or evolved trait…. Depends on how you float on that boat.

 

So, My unpublished blog….. Sorry Steph

 

I have read many places that as high as 80% of missing adults are people who do not want to be found. Today I read that it was 70%, and who really know what the real number is, because well, you cannot find the people to ask them.

 

I have met my uncle one, maybe two times. I refer to my mom's brother Frank. My uncle served in the, I believe Vietnam War. When he returned he was "different" as I have heard it described, and I know that this happened to a lot of people of that era. He had one kid, but I cannot remember ever meeting him.

 

When my Grandfather died, I meet my uncle for a total of 5 minutes, and he disappeared. Before that, well there are photos.

 

He has been a drifter, and very little contact has been made with him by my family. But recently my Grandmother died. During that fiscal he made contact with my mom. I can only think that the conversation when like this…

Frank "So Kippy, how you been for the last 15 years"

Kippy "Well, I have 4 of my kids…. Yes I had 6, you remember them, oh you don't, well I had 6, and 4 of them have kids, 5 are married…."

And after a moment of embarrassed silence, "so how is my sister Ann?"

Another uncomfortable silence, "Frank, Ann died 9 years ago."

A moment of silence followed up by, "We told your Son Bobbie, he said he would tell you"

Franks says "he didn't"

"Oh so, well how is Bobbie" my mom could say

"He got married, and had two kids" and then a uncomfortable pause, followed by a clearing of the throat that only 40 years of smoking and drinking can provide "but she divorced him when she caught him rapping there young daughter"

"OHH, aaa, I," Talk about a uncomfortable situation.

"they put him in jail" frank could say, and then they could go on about life.

The thing is this, that would be a very bad conversation to have after 10 or more years of not talking to your brother. But lately, I have had the thought that maybe I should take after my mom's brother. You know, just walk off one day and call back in say, 10 or 15 years.

I can see it now..

Me "Steph, this is Ben"

Steph "……."

"Are you there?"

Steph"………"

"I am sorry. I just couldn't take life anymore"

Steph "I was forced to raise all of the kids by myself. Your kids hate you; they talk of you as a loser, and a quitter." Taking a breath for anger control "Sean is in jail, he got involved with a bad group when you left", and with tears "Cody was killed by a drunk driver"…..

You see where it would go. I suppose it could all be fine. Steph could say they are all happy, married, and successful. That she found the most wonderful replacement, and she couldn't have been happier. She could even say, do not try and call them, leave us alone, we are better off with you gone. Same scenario could be if I divorced, or even stay here and try and be a good co-parent with my wife.

But let me say, Warmer climates, small cardboard sign saying "starving, need help" sounds fun. I think at almost 300 pounds I should invest just a little more thought to my sign then saying I am starving, but you get the idea.

But, every day I sit down, generally with this computer on my lap, and think that tomorrow will be better. Some people could read this and say, Ben, you are depressed. I say this, "No shit Sherlock"

Some of you may actually think I am serious, and am humoring the idea of just walking off, "and to you guys, fuck off, what do you take me for"

The truth, I struggle. My health, my pains, and my well I will just life, it tends to drag me down some days. I am upset that my wife thinks I am mean, and an ass hole. Did I say selfish. She told me tonight that she would not want our kids to turn out like me. And I cannot help but be stung by that. I am not that bad, am I? She says my brother and I are jerks, and friendless. And people do not like us. I think she even called me a tyrant, but I could be wrong.

I can say this, I do am not enjoying my life right now. But, I think it is temporary, like life itself. Here is to tomorrow, you know, the one that never seems to actually get here. I can just say, I am glad that I am not forced to do anything. I am not forced to stay married. I am not forced to stay faithful to my wife. I am not forced to go to work every day. I am not forced even to live. So everything I do is, quite simply my choice. And you know what, when I look at it that way, I find peace in the craziness of my life. It is simply my choice, and when I decide to do something different, I will.

Simply put, here is to tomorrow, a better day. It is nice actually looking forward to the day, looking forward to something nice.

I have been saying this lot lately, but it truly is something I believe in. God, IF he is real, gave mankind lots of gifts. There are people that talk about the atonement. There are people that talk about free agency. Some talk about the good it brings them in their life to just go to church. But Hope is the single most important and astonishing gift given to mankind. If we did evolve, then that was a good trait, vital to survival and all. Hope, it makes the guy ask the girl on a date. Hope, it makes you look for a job. It makes you want to have children, and take a car trip. It makes you do everything, because without it, well, I think that life would have stopped a long time ago. So,"… hope, the greatest of all treasures" TP