What religion means to me.

What religion means to me.

I am often asked what I believe.  Or what religion means to me.  I will never fully be able to understand my own mind.  When you suffer from mood swings from depression to mania and back again, a whole lot more than just mood changes. 

I think it is often overlooked when people talk about depression is the thoughts that come along with it.  Yes, it is obvious that people think about killing themselves when they are depressed.  But how do other things like religion factor in?  In my case, my entire view of life changes from the high to lows.  When I am manic, god is stupid and cannot exist.  But when I am depressed, I almost feel the need to call out for him.    

But that has left me these last few years.  I lost all hope, even in the darkest hour there was once again nothing there.  Nobody offered me comfort, nobody to give me aid in my time of need.    I want to believe in god, I want there to be some mystic purpose to not just my life, but the life of every person ever.  But when I stop and look at what religion has given me, I have to say it isn't worth it. 

I grew up LDS.  I hit some trouble as a teen, as the Bipolar started to show up.  I started to have trouble with the church, primarily because of substance abuse and attendance.  One of the few things I loved as a kid was the scouting program.  It offered me the opportunity to get outdoors, and see Mother Nature.  But, a good church leader felt that if I couldn't go to church, I couldn't be in the scouts.  I am sure he meant well, but it didn't work that way. 

I have stopped, and hope to never blame what I perceive to be as God for what people do.  I will not sit and say, God is to blame for this and that, but I cannot think of many things that people have done because of God that has benefited me.   Natural disasters, I do not think God has anything to do with them.  Stopping a storm from killing someone.. Again, nothing to do with it.  Not getting killed in an Accident, again nothing to do with it… These things are just life. 

But, when my kids talk about church, or friends as about my opinion, or worst when someone says something stupid about how beautiful God is, and how he has saved them.  Well, I call bull shit.  It is a subject that is starting to sting with bitterness and I hate it. 

After getting kicked out of the scouting program, I later meet my First wife.  I have always wanted a large family, and loved the idea of staying married forever.  An eternal marriage, what could be more romantic.  I was on a down mood cycle, and started to dive into church.  I worked graveyard production, and started reading the scriptures at work.  I took the discussions with my wife, and she joined the church.  It wasn’t easy, but I managed to get life on track and go to the Temple.  The mental trouble I made to get there drove me manic.  Again, I did not understand this at the time.

Fast forward a little into the mania, and suddenly I am drinking and not thinking very high of God.  It was mostly the mood swings, as nothing at that time was truly pivotal in my religious development.   But I was lost in an up tell that point undiagnosed mental health issue of Bi-polar.  I had been given anti-depressants in the past, but what I called working at that time was for them to make me manic.  Again, not understanding what is happening. 

 I sat on the phone with my sister one night, and told her how I felt like I had faked going to the temple with my wife, as I didn't understand the mood.  I felt looking back at that point in life that it wasn't me, as my manic mind couldn't understand why I did what I did. 

That conversation, although meaningless at the time turned pivotal in my life.  My X had heard it, and for the rest of our marriage she felt I was not sincere, and this became a huge issue.  At this same time, I was out of control.  I did things that I am not proud of, like trying to drive to Vegas in the middle of the night. 

But in the end, I crashed and turned back to God.  I will forever be grateful that my X stood by me at this time.  I am not sure I would have lived if not for her.  But at the same time, I am turning to God again and being told that my sins would get me a one way trip to hell.  In my mind, I failed a very important religious promise, and I was to be punished.  I was told; if I did things like that again it would be it a one way tip. 

At no time did I ever feel that the church considered mental health on this one.  Tell a crazy depressed person that if they ask for forgiveness, then I must never do those things again.  I am just at this time learning about Bi-polar, and I was scared to death.  This set a pattern for the next decade of me half way trying, based on fear of failure.  This fear, ultimately made me fail. 

This issue, has torn not just the Mormon church apart in my mind, but the whole concept of religion.  I was told, read the scriptures, pray, and go to church and god would heal me.  Again, fear of the failure hobbled me.  I wanted to be what my wife wanted, and failed because I couldn't maintain the mindset. 

Later on in life, I come to another horrible time in life.  I hit a time of depression, but this was different.  I was also developing the symptoms of MS.  Every symptom was blamed on the medications for Bi-polar, and I was told over and over again that I should take more medications to cover the side effects.  But I knew it was different.  I just couldn’t get anyone to listen.  I started to take myself of medications, and started to obsess that my wife didn’t love me.  I made the mistake of telling her that, and pushing for divorce.  I then spent about a year working on a long drawn out scheme to commit suicide.  Still a constant plan and one that I fear may actually take place someday.  A very very real fear….

After she left, this horrible depression made me once again turn to God.  In the first 2 years of our separation, I read the entire bible cover to cover.  I read most of the book of Mormon, and attended church as often as I could.  I was on track to baptize my youngest son, something I wanted to do to prove to myself I could maintain a good life. 

The thing is, this time it lasted a little longer than normal.  It lasted into an up mood swing, and continued for a period of time.  In this time, I actually foolishly felt that I would be able to convince my X to take me back.  I was praying all the time, and for the first time I felt good about my belief in God, and hope for the role that he would play in my life.  I prayed and thanked him, and she was almost taking me back. 

She started to change back to the “I don’t want to talk to you” mood that she has spent most of the time after our separation, and probably the rest of our lives in.  I felt it coming, and I had been praying, and I felt that God was telling me, keep trying you will get it.  Keep praying, and her heart will soften. 

April 18^th, 2012 at about 7:30 at night.  She told me on the phone something to the effect of, I have prayed, and God has told me that I should follow through with the divorce, and she followed it up with, that she had been given great comfort that the kids would be fine. 

It was surreal, and I actually sat down in the middle of my living room.  We talked, and within a few days it was over, and she will never discuss it with me again.  I consider that the day of my divorce, regardless of what the court documents will say. 

But, the idea that I had been praying to, apparently was the same idea that was telling her to leave.  How could both be right?  Was I wrong, was she wrong.  What am I to do?  I asked a religious leader for advice, and he told me that maybe one of us was incorrect in the interpretation of the answers to our prayer.  I maintained that if God told people that the most important thing is family, and marriage, then why he would tell her to leave… well it doesn't make sense.   A bishop told me that maybe we were both right, and that at this time is was just more important for me to continue to go to church, follow through with the divorce, and trust in god.  Didn't help that this killed my entire testimony. 

In the end, I decided that she must have just wanted it, and God had nothing to do with anything.  I also believe the same applied to me.  I wanted something so bad; I felt somehow that a God was helping me. 

I settled on this.  There may be a god.  There may not be a god, but I will live as the best person I can.  I do this now, not for fear of a god, or fear of punishment or promise of reward.  I do this because it is the right thing to do. 

But, how does religion play into this.  I will mention that my oldest will not come over to my house 3 out of 4 times because of church.  He has told me that I will be a son of predation if I fall away from church.  The tension that has created with God is very thick. 

So, from my perspective, the idea of God is nice, and I hold on to that hope that there may be a bigger point.  But Religion, that is a different story all together.  Take the Mormon faith.  It’s rules have kept me in misery for most of my life.  Trying to cope with an illness, and the whole time blaming myself for being week.  This was what every single religion leader has told me.  Pray harder, and things will work out.  I have lost my wife, because she wanted a good Mormon.  I have to be fair, there is more to it than that, but this was a big one.   I have all but lost my first born.  I have been alienated from my whole family; because they choose to believe something that I do not live. 

Bad people don’t go to church.  Shea said this to me a few months after I was told me she had prayed and wanted a divorce.   I never took the argument with him, I let him believe it.  Once again, probably going to lose another loved one to this religion. 

It is bitter and depressing to me to know, that I allow and encourage my kids the freedom to think for themselves.  I tell them, if you go to church because you believe it, then that is a good enough reason to go.  But I will not witness there marriage in the temple.  Again something that the church will take from me.  It is wrong that I secretly hope that they stop going to church, so we would be more like each other, so I can be a larger part of their lives.  I am glad that they have good morals, so far.  I can credit the church for that.

In the end, I hope there is a God, I wish I could explain things in my life with God.  But, Religion has striped me down to nothing.  It has dangled all that I ever wanted in front of my face, just to take it away, all in the name of God.  I hate religion, and what it stands for and what it does.  It has nothing to do with God, it is the people.    I hate what I see.  Sadly, I have not prayed sense that time.  As a manic depressive, I know at some point I probably will get sad, and turn to god again.  It is the cycle, so I cannot say I do not believe, I do.  I just have no love for religion. 

I have struggled with wanting to write this for a long time.  I find it sad, that I keep my opinions on this subject more private, for not wanting argument with people on it.  I sat down a little bit ago, and wrote it start to finish.  It is long, horribly written, but a true capture of my thoughts.  There is so much more I want to say on the subject, but I want to start writing a regular blog discussing things that have been affected by my health.  Coping, and dealing is what it is all about.