Life

Why do I blog? I have told myself for a long time that one of the main reasons is a sort of personal, but public journal of thoughts and feelings. I do not hold many things as valuable, but memories I do. Photographs, letters, written thoughts, and conversations are all things I value. I love that Facebook allows me to keep every post, and tracks my comments. It is a record of my life, and a method of tracking my thoughts. I do not care if they gleam all of this for advertisements, as of yet I have not bought anything from them… well, I cannot say that with all honesty, as I am sure I have.

But my thoughts as of late are rather dark. And I find myself saying, I hate my life. I hate myself, or what is the point of all of this. It only makes it worse when people say to me, why are you depressed? What is wrong with your life? So this is why I hate life.

I am on the eve of divorce with my wife, whom I consider a close friend. I am separated from all of my family including my kids, and most of my friends. I am in a job that is not a good fit for me anymore. I feel the friendships that I once held dear, braking apart right before my eyes. I have mental health issues, labeled as bi-polar for lack of better descriptions of the problem. I have been called ADD, Dyslexic, and many other things. Most of which I have no doubt are true. I have been on anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers now for over half my life. I have done things, many things because of depression that sadden me just to think of. And many things that I find hard to even discuss with myself let alone other people.

I am plagued with boils and cysts over most of my body, many of which can become so painful that I cannot touch them. Yet I am forced to lance them, just to relive the pain. I find myself embarrassed because of them, and only get minor relief from medication that makes me sick. Enough relief to make it worth it.

My leg and hip hurts so bad that I cannot walk without pain. I cannot lie flat, or stand. It is not constant however; it will be fine for a period, and then all of a sudden unbearable. I have a tolerance for pain that I am very proud of. I have no doubt that the amount of pain I am in on a normal day would leave most people on their couch stoned on pain killers, yet I refuse to take them because of fear of addiction.

I have constant dizziness, and nausea caused from nerve problems in my brain. I believe it is MS, yet I do not have visible scars on the brain, so a diagnosis has not been given. This same problem gives me trimmers, which can be so bad that my body convulses and shakes. This also can at times be extremely painful, and is rather inconvenient when you are trying to do pretty much anything.

I have times where my head is in a fog from the dizziness, that I cannot think right, and I find my speech slipping and memory fading. I get so sick to the stomach, that I fear eating on most days. Someone will offer me a cookie at work, or ask me to go to lunch. I almost always turn them down because I know I will become ill. Yet, I am fat. I would like to work out, but my health limits it.

I spent most of my life dreaming of hiking the pacific North West trail. I want to climb MT Saint Helens, and countless other hikes. But, now I cannot walk most days, and fear that I will be using a crutch or in a wheel chair someday.

I love to take pictures. It is one of the arts that I love, but looking through the camera tends to make me dizzy, or give me a headache. Half the time I cannot hold the camera still, making a good picture impossible.

I cannot sleep. If I sleep, it is restless and tormented. I fear sleepwalking, and waking up to hurt someone who is close at hand. I have struck out at people, and live in constant fear of sleep. I am afraid to go to sleep, because I may burn my house down well I am asleep. Or worst, hurt someone I love because of a nightmare.

But, as I always tell people. There are two sides to every coin. I write this, not because I want someone to read it and say, oh poor Ben. I write it so that I have a record of this moment in my life.

I may speck publicly of the negative aspects of my life. People tend to think I am obsessed with death; well they may not be far off on that one. But there are still reasons for me to live. I still find enjoyment in life; I just need to spend more time talking about it.

I find it harder to take pictures, but I love that I can find beauty in all that I see. Today, I was thankful that there was a 3 car accident, making my trip home very slow. The reason, off over the river the moon, almost full, was rising over the mountains. It was gorgeous. And I was listing to a book, so I had time to sit and watch the moon, and listen to my book. I love the moon and stars. I love to see the planets, and to watch them circle the sky. I love the romance of the night sky, and the moments of wishing on the first star. Yes, I do that. I love to see shooting stars, and to watch satellites blink their way across the sky.

I cannot say all of the things that I find to be of beauty. Animals, people, city skylines and the mountains. I love it when someone walks in from the outdoors, and they bring with them the crisp smell of ozone. A women and kids walked into my office today, and with them came the smell. It made me miss hugging my wife and smelling it in her hair, or putting my arms around one of my kids when they have been outside. It is one of my favorite smells.

Flowers of all kinds. I love the color, and the smells. The bees and insects flying around them. Watching them grow, and die with the seasons. The colors of fall and spring.

I marvel at the discoveries of man. The iPod, computers, and internet and the science that we have. This, and the un-taped potential of our existents excites me. I am sick, but I have photos of my own brain. I have pictures of my heart, and spine. I can get on my computer, and look up almost any subject. I have spent hours reading about phi, and I haven’t had to go to a library.

Someone says a word in a different language, and I can look it up instantly on my cell phone to see what it means. We have a Black president. People can openly be gay, and marry outside their race. Yes, it is not a perfect world, but the potential excites me. I marvel at the possibilities of God, and the theory of evolution. I marvel that one of the greatest minds of our time, and the most outspoken person for the Big bang theory cannot even speak, let alone move unaided.

I look forward to seeing my kids growing up. I want to laugh with them, cry with them, and be with them. Hearing my 9 year old tell me about having a crush on a girl, and watching my 14 year old blush at the mention of girls. Hearing my daughters giggle like school girls. The way Autumn say Hi on the phone makes me smile. Thinking them exploring the world, and having all of their firsts. First date, first kiss and so on.

I look forward to the fact that I am only 32, and I will see grand kids. I look forward to being jealous that Steph finds a new man, and that she will be jealous of me finding a woman.

Now that I think about it, I am looking forward to when Microsoft can get word to correct my spelling for me. Or maybe when a text to speech program can actually understand my voice.

I'm so low that I wish I was dead
With a knife in my chest and a bullet in my head
I'm so low that I wish I was dead
Must I go on?

I have had this song in my head a lot. It isn’t about death; it isn’t about suicide or wanting to die. It is about pain, and overcoming it. It is about the confusion of sadness, drawing you into wanting to give up, but getting over it. I just watched the music video; they had digital SLR cameras in it. That is another thing that I love about life, digital cameras.

I sat down about an hour ago to write some thoughts, and to record some memories. 1700 words later, and I lay the pen down and draw this night to a close. It is almost 4:00, and I will need to sleep some time.

Oh, and I had a dream that there was a giant frog, and in the background was a deer. The frog was jumping around, and I was just watching it. The deer was in the background just eating in a large green field. I like both animals, but I haven’t decided what my subconscious means when it shows me a giant frog. I wish he would just speck to me some times, this whole creeping around in the back of my mind crap gets old.