My little Kitten

It puzzles me the things that I take to be important, or memorable.  I am feeling the need to write this down, and share it with nobody. 

Autumn had surgery in early December, and it was in and of itself stressful for me.  I felt like I have been pushed aside by my own kids a whole lot this last year, and this was no exception.  It was not overly fun for me, leaving knowing that I would have zero part of this part of her life. 

I have unfortunately had many surgeries and illness in my life.  The separation and divorce from Steph is as far as I am concerned because of my health.  My depression and bipolar is what I consider to be the thing that killed our relationship, and the injuries and illness I suffer have only compounded these problems. 

Because of this, I have more than anything just wanted to support my kids as they have suffered from what they have suffered.  I have seen them suffer depression, physical pain, torment on the playground.  I smile as there OCD has serviced, as I can so so so relate to those issues. 

But I felt left out when Autumn had surgery.  The first two days I called the house and didn’t get an answer.  After about three days I finally received a text from Autumn as to how she was doing.  It just left me feeling empty and useless as a father. 

I would never take this from either Steph or Autumn, I think there relationship has forever been strengthened because of this, and I will not suffer anything but a little hurt pride.  But with Michayla I felt even worse.  I missed most of her appointments, from my perspective at least.  I felt so left out and UNinvolved that it was depressing.  But I did not wish to try and take from Steph her role as a mother. 

But, and as a joke, I offered Michayla the option of coming to my house for her recovery.  I could not believe she said she wanted to.  In fact I expected her to change her mind up tell the moment I was home.  

While she was here I checked on her every few hours, as I work so close.  I cooked for her, and watered her, and gave her medication.  I checked her for fevers and talked about the need to poop.  I tended to my sick child, and we had fun together.  We sat one night and watched 13 assassins, and I paused the movie a few dozen times to explain the Japanese culture. 

I sat and listened to her laugh herself to tears watching “Robin Hood Men in tights”.  And I watched hours and hours of a cartoon called Johnny Test because she wanted to. 

I had to have a talk with her about my decision to use Marijuana as a medicine, and ask for her support and understanding.  I will not look fondly on that night, as we both cried together while talking about depression, and life in general.  I hate that this child has seen me cry so many times. 

But as I suffer in my life, I chose to pick experiences to cherish to my death.  These small moments that remind you that life is worth it, regardless of the day to day.  And the thing about this whole surgery that I want to remember to my death was a hug I received from Michayla after surgery. 

I was bending over the bed talking to her when the nurses came in and wanted to take a look at her surgery sight.  She was clearly in pain, and I was trying to avert my eyes to offer her some privacy.  She reached over and grabbed my neck to hold on to while she rolled over to her side.  She grabbed me in an effort to support herself, and help with the pain. 

The way she held her hands, and the way she looked, and the way she felt in my arm.. She felt like a small and helpless kitten.  This kitten felt safe with me, and that hug shared all of that with me. 

I have an aversion to touch, and have very little contact with people.  Because of this I have learned to cherish the touch like this as precious.  I never want to forget how I felt as my daughter reached out for me for comfort from the pain and fear she was experiencing. 

This whole experience, I never want to forget the feeling I had during that clinging hug from my precious little girl.  I am proud of both of my daughters getting through this ordeal with their chins up.  They are tough girls, and they will take on the world someday.  I just hope that this divorce does not give them daddy issues…:)