What if's

I have been in a rather contemplative mode the last few days, you know just thinking about this, thinking about that.  The general theme of my thoughts the last few days have been of “What if”. 

I am not thinking about this subject as a wish that I had done things different, but thinking about situations of life that could be.  What if MS takes me?  What if my kids turn out to be bad kids?  What if my X marries a perfect person?  For that matter, what if I do or don’t. 

The thing is, it has put me in a train of thought that makes me thankful.  I do not wish to think of this as "God has blessed me".  Instead, I am just plain great full that things are the way they are.  I suffer from depression, and it gets real bad at times.  But, in the end I am just happy that things are the way they are. 

My kids are awesome.  As they grow older, the conversations change just a little.  Talking to my kids this weekend made me laugh several times, especially my girls.  My oldest, he is turning 16 this year.  My two young boys are just kids, and they are so full of energy.  I even spent some time with my Niece and Nephew this weekend, and enjoyed that. 

The thing is, thinking about the if’s can be fun.  I am thinking not of the bad ones.  You know, what if my mom died, or dwelling on the what if my X didn't want a divorce so bad.  Those are just plain depressing.  But thinking about what if my kids do great things.  I think of it as a when.  I was thinking the other night about my kids being parents someday.  It was after a bit that I thought, hey weight a second that would make me a grandfather.  I thought that train of thought was funny. 

But, the point of all of these thoughts was simple.  I was trying to think of things that I am looking forward to.  I haven’t really looked forward to much this last year or so.  Nothing really stands out as something to get excited about.  But I have been finding them.   I want to hear the story’s my kids will tell me about their first dates.  I want to hear the story’s about job interviews, and failed romances.  I want them to enjoy life, and share it with me.  I even want to hear from my X about when she meets someone.  I so want her to be happy in life as much as I want the kids to be happy. 

I like a good story.  I like to hear how things turn out.  I like to think about the ifs of life.  Sad, or happy, they are all part of the story of our lives.  We can all sit around telling sad stories, and sit around telling happy stories.  Life is great; I just sometimes need to remind myself that. 

I am now, going to go play my trumpet.  What if I could play real good… When I get done, I will go to the gym.  What if I actually get in shape.  When I get home, I will do school work.  What if I do get a good job?  

After that, I will write for a bit.  What if I do publish?  Someday, I will find someone who wants me for me.  The truth.  When, not if.